I used to write a lot when I was
younger and have been encouraged by several people to write my thoughts
down. I’m not really sure yet what
purpose this will serve. I don’t even
know how often I will write. This may be
the first of many blogs or maybe even the only blog. I’m hoping for me that it will be
healing. For those who have experienced
what I have, I hope it will be of some sort of comfort. For others who are afraid to ask questions,
but want to know more, I hope this answers those questions. I’m not promising fantastic literature here
and it will be in no certain order. Lots
of different things, memories, pop into my head at such random times that I
would imagine it will just be little tidbits here and there. So if you’re still reading, Welcome into my
random mind! :) I’ve had several people mention that it’s hard to know what to say and
whether or not it’s okay to ask questions.
I guess my answer to that is to ask at your own risk. Will I answer your questions and talk with
you about Lucy with a smile on my face?
Most of the time. Will you be
able to see the hurt in my eyes?
Possibly. Will I break down and
cry in your midst. Maybe. So it’s okay with me, if you’re willing to
accept the consequences with me. :) Just know that
although this is by far the most difficult thing Jimmy and I have ever gone
through, that we are okay. We feel like
we are on a roller coaster, backwards, a lot of the time, but we are holding
on! :) God has never left our side and has been
faithful beyond measure!
With all that said, here is
my first entry…..
Today as I was going through
some of Lucy’s things, I came across a book her Aunt Angela had brought to her
at the hospital. It’s called I Love You,
Stinky Face. If you’ve never read it,
you should go buy it immediately! I’m
not sure why I didn’t own this book before.
It’s by far one of my favorite children’s books and I’ve bought it for
several others. At the beginning of the
book a mother says to her son, “I love you my wonderful child.” Throughout the
rest of the story he proceeds to ask his mom a series of ‘what if’
questions. For example he says,
“But,
Mama, but, Mama, what if I were a super smelly skunk, and I smelled so bad that
my name was Stinky Face?”
His
mom replies by saying, “Then I’d plunk you in a bubble bath! But if you still smelled stinky, I wouldn’t
mind. I’d whisper in your ear, ‘I love
you, Stinky Face.”
(As I write this, I’m sure I’m
breaking some kind of copyright laws. Do
I need to list a citations part at the end and do you underline or put quotes
around a book title? This is the teacher
in me coming out a little.) Sorry, back
to the story…. Anyway, as I read the
book I felt a little guilty for something that happened before Lucy was
born. We were at our 10 week
appointment, which went very well. We
saw Lucy bouncing all around on the screen and heard her strong heart beat. We laughed at her Casper the Friendly
Ghost-like appearance. Her arms and legs
were so tiny that you couldn’t even see them.
As I looked at those pictures later I thought to myself, “What if our
baby has no arms and legs?” That was in
the back of my mind for the next several weeks.
It wasn’t something I dwelled on, but it was certainly a fear I
had. At our next appointment we found
out our baby was a Lucy! We were
thrilled because for about 20 minutes we thought all was well. She looked perfect AND she had arms and
legs! The events that unfolded after
that will have to be told another day.
Looking back now I think to
myself, “What a selfish and stupid fear to have.” Who cares if Lucy had no arms or legs or had
any other type of disability or deformity for that matter? None of that would have mattered if I could
have had Lucy longer. I would have loved
her the best I could and cared for her every need, just like in the book! I would have never even hesitated. That’s what mommy’s do and although I only
experienced the responsibility of being a mom for a short time, it went a
little like this:
But, Mama, but, Mama, what if
I were born so tiny that you could only have me for a short time?
Then I would wrap you in a soft, cuddly blanket to keep you warm. I
would dress you up and put a cute purple hat on your tiny little head. I would tell people how perfect you were and
how proud I was to be your mama. I would
hold you close to me and kiss your cheek.
I would thank God for each time your heart beat and I would whisper in
your ear, ‘I love you my wonderful child!’
