Disclaimer: I wrote this mostly for myself. I don't mind sharing it with others, but I just wanted to warn you that it is lengthy and detailed. Some are details that are probably only really important to me. Writing (especially this story) is hard but very healing. It forces me to process what's happened and allows me to talk about it more easily when it comes up.
One More Week With Lucy
Something just wasn't quite right. I told my friend Jacque as I was leaving church Wednesday that I was going to call the doctor the next day. I was bleeding a little and although this had occurred more than once during the 20 weeks I was pregnant, this felt different. On my way home I called my sister to tell her as well, hoping for some comfort, which is exactly what she gave me. She said she'd experienced that before and that hopefully all was well. By the time I got home though, my worries had gotten the best of me. I was up most of the night worried that something was wrong, crying, shaky. I finally was able to fall asleep and actually got a good night's rest. I felt better and decided I would call the doctor after work if I still didn't feel right. It was the day before Valentine's Day and Jimmy and I were supposed to go out for a nice dinner since Friday wasn't going to work for us. I was unusually exhausted after work though and so we decided to hold off on dinner. That should have been a major clue to me, since most of you know I don't usually pass up a nice meal. I called the doctor and they said that it didn't sound like an emergency but that they'd like to see me the next day anyway.
Jimmy and I both took the morning off of work. We drove separately, thinking we would be going back in the afternoon. I actually felt good. Jimmy compliments my tendency to overreact and worry with his calm and reassuring nature. We actually joked in the waiting room about how we really just came today to find out the gender of our baby. That appointment wasn't supposed to be for another 2 weeks and we were dying to find out what we were having! We got called back and immediately went in for a sonogram. We hadn't seen the baby for almost 9 weeks so we were shocked to see the growth! We asked the tech if she would be able to tell us the gender and she said it was without a doubt a girl. I remember apologizing to Jimmy because I was hoping for his sake that it would be a boy. He was thrilled though and assured me that a girl was okay. :) We knew her name already and began to call her by name immediately. Lucy was so strong and healthy. It was very apparent on the screen that she was fine. Her development was right on track and she had a good strong heart beat. The tech told us that she didn't see any reason for bleeding and she let us go.
As we waited for the nurse to come in, we were almost giddy. The tech had printed pictures for us and we looked them over and over and talked about Lucy. I was so relieved to know that she was okay and felt silly for worrying like I had. This joy however was soon to be bombarded with a fear unlike I had ever known.
A midwife came in about 10 minutes later. Her name was Lynette Davis and although I'd never met her before, I liked her instantly. She was very kind and knowledgeable. She checked me and said that my cervix did feel softer than normal but she didn't seem overly concerned. We showed her our pictures and then she pulled up the tech notes on her computer. She questioned why I didn't get an internal sono. Although everything looked fine, she said she just didn't feel right about us leaving without me having an internal sono. So, back to the sono room we went. I wasn't worried now because I knew everything was fine before and this would just give us another chance to see Lucy. :) Little did we know though that this would be the start of the most difficult time in our lives.
The tech put Lucy back up on the screen, but we could barely see her this time. This was not a check to see Lucy, it was to look at what was causing the problem. I could see the worry on the tech's face. I saw her take the mouse and create a line that was a few inches long and save it. I asked her if everything looked fine, already knowing the answer. She replied, "No it is not fine." I panicked instantly, I didn't know what what was going on but I knew it wasn't good. Jimmy squeezed my hand and reassured me that we would be okay and that I just needed to stay calm. The tech said that she couldn't tell me anymore and that she needed to get the doctor immediately. I remember hearing a lot of doctor jargon. Words and phrases that I now know the meaning of all too well were swarming around the room. Hourglass membranes, cerclage, trendelenburg, length of cervix, etc. I'd never had a baby before, but I knew enough to know that being 3cm dilated at 19 weeks, 3 days was not good. The staff was so kind to us, but I could tell that this was an emergency. They told me that Jimmy was to take me directly to OSF. I immediately began to worry: my insurance didn't cover OSF, I was supposed to go back to school, I was scheduled to work a basketball game that night........I didn't have time for this.
It was snowing hard outside by now. Jimmy went out to clear off the car and I called the school to let them know that I wasn't coming back, possibly for quite a while. I could hardly spit the words out to the secretary. Angela had texted, fearing that something was wrong because I hadn't called yet. She was right but I wasn't in the right mind to call her back. I wanted to talk to my mom. My mom, like my husband, seems to always be able to keep calm in stressful situations. I wanted her to tell me that Lucy would be fine, that I would be fine and that everything would be okay. I was trying to stay calm, but I was dying inside and I needed to hear those words from her. I told her what was going on and asked her to please call everyone and let them know. Then Jimmy called his mom to tell her and let his side of the family know. We were hoping that his parents would come despite the bad weather and they did. They left that day.
When we got to the hospital they put me in a wheelchair immediately and took me to the antepartum floor. My sister-in-law, Candi had recently started working as a nurse on that floor. I was reassured to know she would be there, but scared because I knew what being on that floor meant. They made me put a gown on and then said that I was not allowed to get up, even to use the restroom. Hello bedpan! Ugh. They also said that I wasn't allowed to eat, which was a major bummer because I hadn't eaten since 6:30 and my heartburn was getting worse by the second. But because I was most likely going into surgery, ice chips were the only thing on the menu. To make matters worse, they had me in trendelenburg position, which is where they make you lie on your back and then tilt the bed down where your head is. It's basically a method used to torture pregnant women prone to heartburn. :)
It took a while to be admitted but not too long after a resident doctor came in to check me. She verified that I was about 2-3 centimeters dilated. She didn't have very good bedside manner and it hurt when she checked me. I wasn't impressed. I took what she said with a grain of salt and waited for the specialist. Finally around 2:00 he came! Dr. Michael Leonardi! He would be our best friend for the next week. When he came in the door, I shouted across the room, "Are you a doctor?" He laughed and so did the nurses. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was just SOOO happy to finally see a doctor! He was so incredibly kind. Before he checked me, he talked to Jimmy and I for a few minutes to get the story directly from us, not just from what he'd read on the chart. I liked him instantly for this. He really cared about what we said. When he checked me he verified that I was dilated, but it was closer to a 4. :/ I could see the concern on his face. For the next hour or so Jimmy, Dr. Leonardi and I sat and talked about our options, one which was out of the question. Abortion. I hate this word and apparently so did the doctor. He very hesitantly brought it up and didn't even say the actual word. Jimmy interrupted him and said that would not even be a consideration. So basically he told us that we could do 1 of 3 things. 1. I could go home and be on bed rest until I delivered, which would most likely be soon. (A very low percentage of women make it much further once they're dilated as much as I was.) 2. I could stay in the hospital on bed rest until I delivered, which again would most likely be soon. 3. He could put a rescue cerclage in, which means he would go in and put the amniotic sac back where it's supposed to be and stitch up my cervix.
It seemed like a no brainer to us and so we asked what the risks were to having the cerclage. He basically told us that rescue cerclages don't always work. He said that he doesn't do them when someone's dilated past 5 cm, which meant that it would be close. There was of course risk of infection and my water breaking since it had already started to come through and it's not meant to be tampered with. We were pretty sure that was the choice we would make and our decision was finalized when he said if it were his wife that is what he would do. He scheduled the surgery for the next afternoon. Before he left I asked him if I could please eat something. He looked dumbfounded and couldn't believe they didn't let me eat. He ordered the nurse in the nicest way possible to "get this woman something to eat!" :) This began our week long saga of talking about foods and restaurants we like- this is another reason we liked Dr. L. so much. :)
After we met with the doctor, they took me to my permanent room. The plan was to be there until I delivered. It sounds crazy, but we were hoping to be there for 16 weeks. This would be considered full term for someone with a cerclage. We already had family and friends planning trips to come stay with me since I was going to be there so long. Jimmy's parents were on their way and we were being bombarded with texts and calls. By this time I had eaten a little and actually felt pretty good. Jimmy prayed with me and put a bible verse up on the board for me to look at whenever I got scared. I didn't sleep well that night and neither did Jimmy. I wasn't allowed to sit up at all and so it was hard to switch sides on my own and prop myself up with the pillows. I woke Jimmy up about a million times and not once did he complain. That next morning I went in for the cerclage about 12. They gave me a spinal block so I was awake and aware of what was going on the whole time. Normally that would not be good for me, especially because they wouldn't let Jimmy in with me. However, the anesthesiologist and other staff were great. They even told jokes the whole time. I could tell they'd done this a million times. They worked like pros and even Dr. L. was telling a joke as he was working. Weird, but distracting and being distracted is what I needed. I knew that there was a chance that he wouldn't be able to perform the cerclage and I was praying that would not be the case. When the doctor finished, he was sweating so I could tell it wasn't easy. But Praise the Lord he was able to do it! They took me to a recovery room, let Jimmy in and then Dr. L. came back to check on Lucy. His exact words were, "She looks awesome!" Music to a mother and father's ears!!! She did look awesome. I'd never had a sono. done by a specialist before and I soon found out why he gets paid the big bucks. He showed us great profiles of Lucy, took individual pictures of her feet and hands and he even showed us her brain! It looked like she was waving at us. When I came out of recovery, my sister was there and that made me cry. I didn't expect her to come since she lives a few hours away and I knew she'd have to go back that night. Aside from other family members, some people from my impact group had come and one of our pastors. Unbelievable.
The next 72 hours were crucial. The main concern is that my water wouldn't break, but unfortunately that happened Tuesday night. I was devastated when the doctor confirmed that it was in fact amniotic fluid. I thought it was over. My hope of Lucy surviving was shattered. A baby born under 24 weeks is not considered viable. I needed to make it to then at least. Even still, Lucy's chances of survival were slim. Dr. Leonardi looked at me and said, "I'm not giving up on Lucy, are you?" With a confused look on my face, I said, "No!" Then the hope came back. I didn't realize that you can still carry a baby with no water. It is much more risky, but possible. On the bright side, this meant that there wasn't as much pressure on Lucy now and I could sit up a little. After 5 days of being in trendelenberg, sitting up was like a gift!
Since Jimmy and I had both been up all night Tuesday, we asked for no visitors. We needed to rest and just spend some time alone and with our family. I spent a lot of time reading, praying and reading scripture that various people had given me. My in-laws, mom, Jimmy and I sat together and read from a devotional his mom had brought. We prayed, read verses and just talked for quite a while. I had never been so scared in my life and was amazed at the peace God had given me during that moment. That was one of the first times that I realized that God's plan was unfolding and no matter what that meant, I needed to choose to trust. My other choice was fear and there wasn't room for that.
That night I started having a little cramping but it was hardly noticeable. I was hoping it was just an upset stomach. By Thursday afternoon it was starting to increase and by that night I knew that something was wrong. Jimmy's mom had stayed with me that night, which I was glad for. Both of our moms had agreed to stay a night so Jimmy could get some rest. He was right in the middle of getting licensed for a new position at work and he had a huge test Thursday that he had hardly studied for. I remember trying not to make too big of a deal about the pain I was having because I didn't want Jimmy to worry during his test. When he called me to tell me he passed, we were all so thrilled! I tried to downplay the pain I was having, praying that it would just go away. It didn't. Thursday night it kept increasing through the night and by the time I woke up Friday morning I asked for some pain medication. This began the longest day of my life.
Jimmy had gone to work Friday morning because he hadn't gone the whole week. I told the nurses of my concern about the pain and they gave me some Tylenol. That didn't begin to touch the pain though. I was trying to stay calm, but the worse the cramping got, the more nervous I got. Jimmy came to the hospital on his lunch break and by then I was really hurting. Naturally the nurses thought I was contracting, but they weren't showing up on the monitor so they dismissed it. My pain was at a 10 though so I knew if they weren't contractions, then something was seriously wrong. As the afternoon hours passed, I turned into a bit of a monster. I remember yelling at the nurses that I couldn't stand the pain and that I needed something. They weren't able to get a hold of the doctor and so they couldn't give me anything but Tylenol. I sent Jimmy to the nurse's station several times to tell that my pain was 10+++++.... The head nurse finally came in and saw my agony and said she was going to walk around and get the first doctor she saw. Thankfully she found a doctor who was able to prescribe me some stronger pain meds that would ease the pain until doctor L. came. She was super nice and commented that she was reading the same book that I had on my table. In turn, I snapped at her. I like to think that I was an easy patient to get a long with, so I'm hoping the nurses and that doctor forgive me for the way I treated them that day. The medicine did ease the pain a bit. Although it was incredibly obvious to everyone that I was contracting, I was still holding on to hope. The pain then moved into my back and although it wasn't as painful as earlier, I was getting tired. I just wanted to see the doctor but he wasn't able to come until around 5:00. He tried to lighten the mood a little but he could see my distress. And when he checked me, he confirmed our biggest fear. Not only did I have an infection but Lucy had started pushing her way through. He looked at us and said, "This means that Lucy has to be born today and I need you to understand that she will not make it." He talked to us a little while longer and then said he'd give us some time alone while he prepared for her delivery. Jimmy and I held each other and wept for our sweet Lucy. We spent some time crying and talking and then let our moms back in. Then began the dreaded phone calls, texts, etc.
By the time they had me prepped for delivery, my brother and sister-in-law, 2 pastors, my friend Patty, and my dad all came. Meanwhile my sister Angela and her husband were driving like the wind to make it in time. My sister Amy was making arrangements for her 5 kiddos and packing like mad to begin the 14 hour journey the next day and Jimmy's sister Katie was getting her plane ticket to fly in. I knew those who weren't able to make it were praying. I could feel it. It is a strange and neat feeling to be held up in prayer like that. Jimmy and I decided that considering the circumstances, we didn't want anyone in the room while I delivered Lucy, so our family waited together.
I was scared and nervous, which made my heart rate way too high. They kept telling me that I needed to relax, but it was so hard. Not only was my heart breaking for my baby girl, but I was not prepared to have a baby. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't think I could do it. The staff that prepped me were fantastic! They made me feel so comfortable and worked like pros. They assured me that everything would go smoothly and that it wouldn't take longer than a few hours total. Because Lucy was so small and already coming on her own, they didn't think I needed Pitocin, but then my OB gave it to me anyway. I was thankful for that. This would speed the process up even more. It took a while to get everything ready. I remember watching them work, just like they would be if I was having a normal delivery. It broke my heart to see the little table where they would lay Lucy, knowing that it may be a lifeless body. Her heart rate had gone up to almost 200 and I knew there wasn't much time. I prayed that she would be alive when she was born. Not too long after my epideral was given, my OB checked me and said that she thought I was ready. This was only the second time I had met Dr. Stalling. She was so calm and compassionate. I could see her hurting for me. Then in the corner I saw Dr. Leonardi sitting on a step stool, tears in his eyes. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. He tried so hard to save Lucy, but God had a different plan. At this point I wasn't really scared anymore. I knew what I had to do and I knew the sooner I delivered, the better the chance Lucy would still be alive. I actually got a little excited because my only option was to have Lucy then and I was ready to meet her. I only had to push for a half hour or so before she was out. Up until that point I was calm and focused on doing what I was told as far as positioning and pushing went. But then when Lucy finally came out, I burst into tears. Jimmy cut the cord as all fathers do and I listened for a cry, a whimper, anything, but all I heard was silence. The doctor asked me if I wanted to hold her right away but I was so upset that I couldn't even think straight. I told them that I didn't want to remember her looking sickly and asked them to please clean her up while I collected myself. They were so kind and did as I had asked. They wrapped her up in a yellow and white blanket and put a purple had on her head. While I was in labor a nurse had sewn a yellow flower on the hat just for Lucy. I remember thinking the hat looked so small but then when we put in on Lucy, it nearly covered her whole head! Jimmy let me hold her first and my first thought was, "How Beautiful!" She was so precious. Her little face was so well defined and her tiny fingers and toes were so stinkin' cute! We could see her heart beating, which was a huge blessing to us and she wrapped her little hand around our finger. When Jimmy touched her she moved a little. I knew that she was too small for the doctors to save her, but at the same time I couldn't help but think that God is bigger than that. I prayed for God to save our Lucy. The doctor kept checking her heart, waiting for the time of death, but it kept beating. I held on to every single beat, not wanting any one to be the last. I watched Jimmy as he held our little girl. What a sweet picture that I will always carry in my mind. He loved her and it was so evident. He talked to her and kissed her tiny face. I felt so out of control of the situation. I hated that there was nothing that I or anyone else could do for her. All I could do was keep her warm in that blanket until she passed.
A nurse came in to take pictures of Lucy. She brought all kinds of cute clothes and props. I was pleasantly surprised. She treated Lucy like any other full term baby and was so gentle with her. Our family and friends that were there came in to meet Lucy. We spent about 2 hours talking to her and holding her. There was such a sadness in the room, a heaviness that I can't quite explain. But again I felt a peace that passes understanding too. I knew that I wasn't going to leave there with my baby, but that she would be safe in the arms of our Heavenly Father. This was a huge comfort to me.
After we said our good byes, I almost felt guilty for how I felt. They immediately put me on antibiotics for the infection and of course the stomach and back pain was gone. For the first time in a week I was hungry and ordered something to eat. Some of our family was still there for a bit and then left shortly after we got back to the room. I was exhausted from the events of the day and Jimmy and I went to bed soon after we ate. The nurses were in and out of the room every hour but I hardly noticed. I slept so soundly that night and it felt so good. There were several people up all night praying for rest for me and God answered those prayers with a huge YES! I was so thankful for peace that night, for rest and no bad dreams. I knew it was going to be a long road ahead and I needed rest!
The next day was spent making arrangements for Lucy's service. I was so glad to be able to shower and walk around a bit. Several people came to visit and some friends brought us lunch. I was a little sore but I wasn't in any pain, praise the Lord! It was like He just decided that I had been through enough. I was sore from being in back labor for so many hours the day before but it wasn't anything a little ibuprofen couldn't handle. They kept me all day Saturday to make sure that my infection went away and released me Sunday afternoon.
I was in the hospital for 10 days total and a lot of it is like a blur to me now. Some things I remember like they were yesterday and others I just don't remember. I try not to recap my time there very often but sometimes a memory sneaks up and stings me. This is by far the hardest part of the healing process. Just when I think I'm doing well, something triggers a memory and my heart sinks. Sometimes it happens when I'm alone and other times I'm in a crowded room where bursting into tears would be a little strange to those around me. These are the times that I'm especially thankful that God gave me Jimmy because he has been more patient with me than I could've ever imagined.
One of the things I'm most thankful for is that I went to the doctor when I did. If I hadn't gone in that day, I probably would've delivered within a day or so and I may not have made it to the hospital. Getting to the hospital gave me one more week with Lucy that I will forever be grateful for. I got to see her almost every day and she was lively and healthy. I got to hear her heartbeat every morning and evening. God knew I needed that.
We were and still are amazed at how God used various people to pull us through. At the hospital my board was filled with cards and my shelf with flowers. So many people visited, brought us gifts, called, messaged and texted. The support shown to us was absolutely amazing!!! To this day I continue to be amazed at how good God has been to us. Despite the statistics, Jimmy and I are probably closer than we've ever been. Our family and friends have shown us the love of Christ almost daily. We still get various messages here and there telling us that we are being prayed for. We are doing okay, but I assure you that we still need those prayers and bits of encouragement. The healing process is strange and hard and confusing and hurtful and timely and toys with my emotions daily. I think about Lucy EVERY SINGLE DAY and I don't think that will ever change. I am hopeful though that the more happy memories will outweigh the sad as time moves on.
Learning to live the life God has called me to....
