I've been putting this blog off for quite a while. I've started to write it several times but I just didn't have the words. After you lose a child, you wonder when it will be safe to have another. You wonder if another child will cause you to forget the one in heaven. You wonder who you should tell you're expecting and when and how much information to give. You wonder when it's safe to get out your maternity clothes and start buying necessary items. You wonder when to start making your registry and planning a shower. You wonder at what point you will be back in the hospital again and if the same thing will happen again. You wonder….
We found out we were expecting again while visiting Jimmy's family for Christmas. That makes our due date September 13th. We were and are thrilled!!! This baby, our baby, is such a special gift that came at just the right time. I don't know why I would've expected anything less. If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, it's that God's plan/purpose is perfect. I knew this before, but I'd never really appreciated it so much.
Proverbs 19:21 says:
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.”
This verse has meant a lot to me lately. It's one I hold close when I need some reassurance. It reminds me that no matter how much I want to be in control, that God has a purpose that will be fulfilled. And trust me, it’s better that way. :) When I surrender that and truly trust Him, I feel a great peace and confidence that only He can give. It's been a bumpy road so far. We are about 15 weeks and have had some complications already. I am human and so naturally I have been scared. All of those "wonders" I mentioned above aren't far from my mind each day. But even my husband can attest to my calmness this time around. I promise you that it is not by my own strength. I am the girl who thought my sister was dying when she got the wind knocked out of her and the one who thought her other sister was dying when she passed out after having her wisdom teeth out. I am a natural worrier, panic pro and over-reacter. That's why I'm thankful for a God who's bigger than all of that and am Sooo glad He gave me a husband who is far from those 3 things.
We had another sonogram Tuesday. I believe this was our 7th one. (This is a definite plus of being high risk. :) ) The doctor used words like "perfect" and "great" and "normal." These words are music to my ears! And seeing our baby on the big screen is simply amazing. Baby "E" already has toes and fingers, a brain, a nose and chin. The high tech sono they do was able to show us the tiny bladder and the blood flow through the umbilical cord. They were even able to tell us the gender today....they think. ;) I love the baby more each time I see it and am in awe of what a miracle it is!!!
I will admit that last week I lost it. I was feeling a little more emotional than usual and I just couldn't keep it together. I have orders to "take it easy" and "sit more than you stand" and no traveling and you can't do this and you can't do that and I tire more easily and I'm sore from my cerclage and Ahhhhh!!!! I just wished I was normal! These things are not easy for me. I've never liked being told that I can't do something and besides that, I'm a busy person. Sitting for long periods of time makes me antsy and bored. I don't like asking for help....I like to do things by myself!! And yet here I am, typing this in my recliner, with my pillow strategically placed behind my back and my TV tray equipped with supplies I regularly need. I'm not doing "this" and I'm not doing "that" and I will continue to do whatever the doctors tell me to do because I love this baby more than I could've ever dreamed!
I've already received several sweet cards and messages, hot meals when I was in the hospital, and a full freezer of meals from Jimmy's family, visits from friends when I was on bed rest, visits from family and tons of help from my sweet mom, including her being my grocery shopper. People are praying for us and I can tell. And there is no appropriate word that sums up how grateful I am for Jimmy. He is truly a gift and loves me so well. He works hard at work and home and I’m getting better at accepting/asking for his help. He brought home a card a couple weeks ago just because…..he just wanted me to know how much he loved me and the baby. He said he knew we had a long road ahead, but that he’d be with me every step and that God would remain faithful as we trust Him. He is right and I’m glad. :)
