Tomorrow. It is only a day away now. I don't usually plan for bad days. I don't think anyone really does. However, I've been "planning" on tomorrow being the worst day of my life for several weeks now. I know that sounds bad. I know it's very negative to say. I know all those things, but there's not much positive that comes to mind when I think about burying my daughter....my sweet Lucy. OSF offers a burial service for all babies born before 23 weeks, which we are very thankful for. I just wish it would've been sooner. I've always thought that watching the burial was the worst part of people dying and judging by the tears streaming down my face right now and the knot in my stomach, I know that is still true for me. And to top things off, it is supposed to be a super gloomy, rainy day tomorrow. As I was laying awake in bed tonight, I prayed for sunshine tomorrow even though I know the chances of that are slim. According to the weather there's only a 10% chance that it will not rain. But I know that God still heard my prayer and maybe he will answer it with a ray of sunlight during the service, or maybe even a rainbow. That would definitely be a bright spot in my day.
Even though Lucy has been gone now for over 2 months, people are still asking what they can do for us. I almost always respond to them by asking for prayer. Although the good moments seem to outweigh the hard moments as time goes by, there is still such a huge heaviness in my heart. It's a feeling unlike any other and one that maybe only someone who's experienced loss can understand. I understand it all too well. Fortunately, I've gained another unexplainable understanding through all of this. While the feeling of brokenness is sometimes overwhelming, I also have an overwhelming peace. The peace that only comes from my God. Several songs have encouraged me the past few days. One of them was from Jeremy Camp's song, I Still Believe, where he says, "In brokenness I can see that this is your will for me..." I've had nowhere else to look but up for the last few months and it's amazing how clearly you can see through the hurt. It doesn't mean that I don't hurt, it means that there's hope in the hurt, "sun" if you will. So, here's where you come in friends: please be our bright spot in the hurt tomorrow. Lift Jimmy and I and our family up in prayer whenever you think of us. Share encouraging verses with us, funny memories that always bring smiles to our faces, talk to us about our beautiful daughter, send us a text about something unrelated, pm us on facebook, post a picture to our wall, etc. That's what you can do for us for now. Bet your bottom dollar there will be sun! :)
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