Birthdays, Butterflies and Trash Bags

Lucy loved butterflies and the color purple.  I know this because she was my daughter.  This is why we got her a birthday butterfly to put on her grave and some purple balloons to let go in her honor.  As much as we'd love to see her delight as we showed her the balloons, Lucy will be celebrating her first birthday in heaven.  What better place to be?  It's comforting knowing that she's in better care than we could've ever provided.  She has been fulfilling her purpose of worship since the day she was born!  I don't have many "proud mom" moments because I didn't know Lucy very long, but the few I have had stick in my mind.  They've been a big part of my healing.  I remember my friend Kelly leaning back to me at church, hugging me and saying, "Your daughter was beautiful!"  I remember the way our family and the staff that delivered Lucy looked at her when she was born like she was the most precious girl they'd ever seen.  I remember my husband holding her in his hands and kissing her tiny forehead.  And I'll never forget the day when the hospital changed her death certificate to say "baby" instead of "fetus" because she scored so high on her Apgar Test.  These are all moments I was able to smile and think, "That's my girl!"

We talk about Lucy a lot. We still imagine what she'd be like if she were with us.  It's been a year and that hasn't changed.  I feared that I would forget her as time passed, but even a year later I can describe the events leading up to her birth in more detail than I'd care to sometimes.  Although some memories haunt me and may forever, I will always remember February 21st as one of the best days of my life because that's the day I got to hold my daughter.  And I will always remember Valentine's Day as the day we found out Lucy was a Lucy.  This wasn't true until about 2 weeks ago when I was thoroughly annoyed by all the Valentines commotion.  I thought, "what a crummy day...the day we found out we were probably going to lose our daughter."  And then it hit me that it was also the day we found out about our daughter and we were truly overjoyed!!  And those are the memories I'm choosing to hold close.  Even in my darkest moments and my deepest grief, I still have a choice.  There are days when I sit and cry for my baby, but there's never a day when a good memory doesn't surface.  I pray often that I will remember those good memories the most and I'd say as time passes that is becoming more true.  Lucy was born on exactly the day she was supposed to be.  It's difficult to accept that sometimes but I know God's plans are far greater than mine.    And yes, He had a purpose for our sweet baby's short life.  I know because He says so and I've seen God at work in my life.  I'm different than I was before I had Lucy, and I'm happy to say that many of those differences mean that my faith has grown deeper.  When I hit my rock bottom, God was there. I know what it feels like to be held up in prayer.  It is an amazing experience to have so much peace when you're at your worst.  And even in my worst, God is there.

The days, maybe even weeks after Lucy was born are a bit of a blur to me.  To be honest, I don't remember a lot.  I felt like I was in a tunnel, just existing.  People brought us food, friends visited, we got tons of cards and I felt lost in it.  I remember thinking it was going to be like that forever.  I was sad and I didn't feel like doing anything.  And that's where the trash bags come in.  I went to put a new bag in and realized we were out.  As I started looking around, I realized we were out of a lot of things and I started to make a list.  I'm a list maker- always have been.  I remember making that list and thanking God for something "normal."  Everybody has to buy trash bags, well except for the lady on Hoarding who just puts her trash all around the house.  Ew!!  Anyway, I don't think I was ever more happy to buy them!  People have said a lot of things to me in this last year that I remember.  All were well meant, most were well taken and some may be in one of my blogs some day titled, "Things You Should Never Say To a Grieving Mother."  The one thing I've heard over and over though, that really has proven true is that time heals. I have no doubt in my mind that God is still mending my heart, but it just gets different as days go by.  I hesitate to say "easier" because I don't think that word has any place in grief.  Riding a bike is easy.  Changing a light bulb is easy.  Grief isn't easy.

I'm not exactly sure what Lucy Day will be like tomorrow.  I'm sure there will be tears and I'm sure there will be laughing.  It will probably include Eden hugging Lucy's picture and saying "baby night night."  But one thing I do know for sure is that it will always be the day I remember the treasure God gave us in Lucy!