Peace

I'm writing with an extremely heavy heart today.  Mostly because of what we've been going through for the last year, but also because if you're reading this it's because you care for us in some way and if you didn't already know what I'm about to say, then your heart's going to break a little.  I know this because if it happened to you, I would be heartbroken for you.  I would cry for you and wonder how in the world this could happen to someone twice in the matter of a year.  But please read until the end as I hope to share what keeps us going, what makes us have hope in such a tragedy and why we will be okay. 

I don't know what the chances are of your baby dying from the umbilical cord being tightly wound around their neck, but I know that the doctor told us that we'd have a better chance of winning the lottery than it happening again.  When Ethan was born 2 weeks ago, we were in a way relieved to find out that the cause of his passing was not for the same reason that we had Lucy early.  At first I was mortified as my mind immediately thought that he was in a lot of pain when it happened, but the nurse assured me that he wasn't.  When the doctor couldn't find Ethan's heartbeat at our appointment earlier that day, nor movement on the sonogram, we were in complete shock.  We just sat there and wept.  Our hearts were broken....again. My mind instantly thought that there was something wrong with me, or with Ethan.  How could a baby that was so lively just a week before, be so lifeless now?  We had just spent about an hour with Ethan the week before at the specialist's office.  My mom got to go in with us and we were all amazed at every little detail.  He was perfect and healthy and I was healthy too.  That was the reason Jimmy and I breathed a sigh of relief.  That is why we started telling more people.  That is why I switched out all of my regular clothes with maternity and that's why I started blogging again.  We though it was safe and we were in the clear. 

I'm not going to share the details about Ethan's birth right now....not because I don't want to, but because I just can't yet.  I will, just not today. 

The verse below sums up the way I felt the moment we heard the words from the sono tech...."I'm sorry, but your baby has passed away...."

2 Corinthians 4:  7-9  But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed... 

I felt like I had been kicked while I had not even gotten back up yet.  I was completely perplexed.  I didn't understand.  My emotions were all over the place.  The words kept running through my mind, "not again."  I never blamed God for Lucy being born too soon, but a while after her death I went through a "why" stage.  That stage hit me much sooner with Ethan.  Like a kid who will ask their parents "why?" before they ever even get a chance to answer, I was pleading with God and asking "why again?"  I just didn't understand and I may not ever until I see my babies in heaven one day.  I'm learning to be okay with that.

Our sermon Sunday was on Acts 10:34-43. (http://harvestpeoria.org/watch/lord-of-all/)  It was excellent and God really spoke to me through it.  It was on peace and healing, life and salvation.....all things that are close to me right now.  It made me realize how thankful I am for the second parts of the verse I shared above.  I am Not crushed, I am Not driven to despair, and I am Not forsaken or destroyed.  All of this is thanks to my Awesome God!!  I would be lost without him and am sure I would be in a much worse place right now.  God has been my strength when I'm weak, my light in the darkness and my peace in the storms.  And as awful as the death of Lucy and Ethan has been, I still have hope knowing that they are safe together in heaven. 

Prayer is powerful and that's been very evident recently.  With just a few phone calls to family and friends, we had hundreds of people praying for us.  Several people prayed with us at the hospital, including one of the nurses.  My mom recited scripture to me and I had several that I could read on my own that friends had sent.  One friend even sat beside me and read to me.  Peace.  People have asked me how I can be so strong and what I do to get through.  There you have it.  Having the peace the God gives is essential to my healing.  I've experienced it in the past and am thankful to have His peace now. I will not tell you that I'm doing great, because I'm not.  I am broken, but I will be okay. 

An excerpt from The Love Dare devotional Jimmy and I are reading:  "Love is fundamental to the success of your marriage.  ...when storms rise and conditions worsen, love-driven marriages endure and work through even the toughest of issues without giving up."

In the doctor's office, one of the nurses smiled at Jimmy and me and said, "You two are a good match."  Then in the hospital, before Ethan was born, a nurse looked at me and said, "You need to hang on to him."  I could write for hours about how they could not be more right, but I'll spare you the mushy details.  I can't say enough how blessed I am to have Jimmy as my husband though.  He loves me far greater than I could've ever imagined or even deserve at times.  He has been by my side, praying for me, encouraging me, crying with me, holding me and calming me every step of they way.  He came to every. single. doctor's appointment and there were a lot!!!  Before he accepted his recent new job offer, he made sure they understood that he would be gone at least once a week for appointments.  The way he cares for our family is amazing.  He's a true reflection of God's love and God knew I needed him long before I ever did.  Jimmy and I will work through this and we will not give up because God is on our side.  He is the center of our marriage and the reason we love each other so deeply.  God is love and love never fails.  That is why we have hope, what keeps us going and why we will be okay.