Peace

I'm writing with an extremely heavy heart today.  Mostly because of what we've been going through for the last year, but also because if you're reading this it's because you care for us in some way and if you didn't already know what I'm about to say, then your heart's going to break a little.  I know this because if it happened to you, I would be heartbroken for you.  I would cry for you and wonder how in the world this could happen to someone twice in the matter of a year.  But please read until the end as I hope to share what keeps us going, what makes us have hope in such a tragedy and why we will be okay. 

I don't know what the chances are of your baby dying from the umbilical cord being tightly wound around their neck, but I know that the doctor told us that we'd have a better chance of winning the lottery than it happening again.  When Ethan was born 2 weeks ago, we were in a way relieved to find out that the cause of his passing was not for the same reason that we had Lucy early.  At first I was mortified as my mind immediately thought that he was in a lot of pain when it happened, but the nurse assured me that he wasn't.  When the doctor couldn't find Ethan's heartbeat at our appointment earlier that day, nor movement on the sonogram, we were in complete shock.  We just sat there and wept.  Our hearts were broken....again. My mind instantly thought that there was something wrong with me, or with Ethan.  How could a baby that was so lively just a week before, be so lifeless now?  We had just spent about an hour with Ethan the week before at the specialist's office.  My mom got to go in with us and we were all amazed at every little detail.  He was perfect and healthy and I was healthy too.  That was the reason Jimmy and I breathed a sigh of relief.  That is why we started telling more people.  That is why I switched out all of my regular clothes with maternity and that's why I started blogging again.  We though it was safe and we were in the clear. 

I'm not going to share the details about Ethan's birth right now....not because I don't want to, but because I just can't yet.  I will, just not today. 

The verse below sums up the way I felt the moment we heard the words from the sono tech...."I'm sorry, but your baby has passed away...."

2 Corinthians 4:  7-9  But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed... 

I felt like I had been kicked while I had not even gotten back up yet.  I was completely perplexed.  I didn't understand.  My emotions were all over the place.  The words kept running through my mind, "not again."  I never blamed God for Lucy being born too soon, but a while after her death I went through a "why" stage.  That stage hit me much sooner with Ethan.  Like a kid who will ask their parents "why?" before they ever even get a chance to answer, I was pleading with God and asking "why again?"  I just didn't understand and I may not ever until I see my babies in heaven one day.  I'm learning to be okay with that.

Our sermon Sunday was on Acts 10:34-43. (http://harvestpeoria.org/watch/lord-of-all/)  It was excellent and God really spoke to me through it.  It was on peace and healing, life and salvation.....all things that are close to me right now.  It made me realize how thankful I am for the second parts of the verse I shared above.  I am Not crushed, I am Not driven to despair, and I am Not forsaken or destroyed.  All of this is thanks to my Awesome God!!  I would be lost without him and am sure I would be in a much worse place right now.  God has been my strength when I'm weak, my light in the darkness and my peace in the storms.  And as awful as the death of Lucy and Ethan has been, I still have hope knowing that they are safe together in heaven. 

Prayer is powerful and that's been very evident recently.  With just a few phone calls to family and friends, we had hundreds of people praying for us.  Several people prayed with us at the hospital, including one of the nurses.  My mom recited scripture to me and I had several that I could read on my own that friends had sent.  One friend even sat beside me and read to me.  Peace.  People have asked me how I can be so strong and what I do to get through.  There you have it.  Having the peace the God gives is essential to my healing.  I've experienced it in the past and am thankful to have His peace now. I will not tell you that I'm doing great, because I'm not.  I am broken, but I will be okay. 

An excerpt from The Love Dare devotional Jimmy and I are reading:  "Love is fundamental to the success of your marriage.  ...when storms rise and conditions worsen, love-driven marriages endure and work through even the toughest of issues without giving up."

In the doctor's office, one of the nurses smiled at Jimmy and me and said, "You two are a good match."  Then in the hospital, before Ethan was born, a nurse looked at me and said, "You need to hang on to him."  I could write for hours about how they could not be more right, but I'll spare you the mushy details.  I can't say enough how blessed I am to have Jimmy as my husband though.  He loves me far greater than I could've ever imagined or even deserve at times.  He has been by my side, praying for me, encouraging me, crying with me, holding me and calming me every step of they way.  He came to every. single. doctor's appointment and there were a lot!!!  Before he accepted his recent new job offer, he made sure they understood that he would be gone at least once a week for appointments.  The way he cares for our family is amazing.  He's a true reflection of God's love and God knew I needed him long before I ever did.  Jimmy and I will work through this and we will not give up because God is on our side.  He is the center of our marriage and the reason we love each other so deeply.  God is love and love never fails.  That is why we have hope, what keeps us going and why we will be okay.

You Wonder....

 I've been putting this blog off for quite a while.  I've started to write it several times but I just didn't have the words.  After you lose a child, you wonder when it will be safe to have another.  You wonder if another child will cause you to forget the one in heaven.  You wonder who you should tell you're expecting and when and how much information to give. You wonder when it's safe to get out your maternity clothes and start buying necessary items.  You wonder when to start making your registry and planning a shower.  You wonder at what point you will be back in the hospital again and if the same thing will happen again. You wonder….

     We found out we were expecting again while visiting Jimmy's family for Christmas.  That makes our due date September 13^th.  We were and are thrilled!!!  This baby, our baby, is such a special gift that came at just the right time.  I don't know why I would've expected anything less.  If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, it's that God's plan/purpose is perfect.  I knew this before, but I'd never really appreciated it so much. 

Proverbs 19:21 says:

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.”

This verse has meant a lot to me lately.  It's one I hold close when I need some reassurance. It reminds me that no matter how much I want to be in control, that God has a purpose that will be fulfilled.  And trust me, it’s better that way. :)  When I surrender that and truly trust Him, I feel a great peace and confidence that only He can give.  It's been a bumpy road so far.  We are about 15 weeks and have had some complications already.  I am human and so naturally I have been scared.  All of those "wonders" I mentioned above aren't far from my mind each day.  But even my husband can attest to my calmness this time around.  I promise you that it is not by my own strength.  I am the girl who thought my sister was dying when she got the wind knocked out of her and the one who thought her other sister was dying when she passed out after having her wisdom teeth out.  I am a natural worrier, panic pro and over-reacter.  That's why I'm thankful for a God who's bigger than all of that and am Sooo glad He gave me a husband who is far from those 3 things.

     We had another sonogram Tuesday.  I believe this was our 7th one.  (This is a definite plus of being high risk. :) ) The doctor used words like "perfect" and "great" and "normal." These words are music to my ears!  And seeing our baby on the big screen is simply amazing.  Baby "E" already has toes and fingers, a brain, a nose and chin.  The high tech sono they do was able to show us the tiny bladder and the blood flow through the umbilical cord.  They were even able to tell us the gender today....they think. ;)  I love the baby more each time I see it and am in awe of what a miracle it is!!!  

      I will admit that last week I lost it.  I was feeling a little more emotional than usual and I just couldn't keep it together.  I have orders to "take it easy" and "sit more than you stand" and no traveling and you can't do this and you can't do that and I tire more easily and I'm sore from my cerclage and Ahhhhh!!!!  I just wished I was normal!  These things are not easy for me.  I've never liked being told that I can't do something and besides that, I'm a busy person.  Sitting for long periods of time makes me antsy and bored.  I don't like asking for help....I like to do things by myself!! And yet here I am, typing this in my recliner, with my pillow strategically placed behind my back and my TV tray equipped with supplies I regularly need.  I'm not doing "this" and I'm not doing "that" and I will continue to do whatever the doctors tell me to do because I love this baby more than I could've ever dreamed!  

     I've already received several sweet cards and messages, hot meals when I was in the hospital, and a full freezer of meals from Jimmy's family, visits from friends when I was on bed rest, visits from family and tons of help from my sweet mom, including her being my grocery shopper.  People are praying for us and I can tell.  And there is no appropriate word that sums up how grateful I am for Jimmy.  He is truly a gift and loves me so well.  He works hard at work and home and I’m getting better at accepting/asking for his help.  He brought home a card a couple weeks ago just because…..he just wanted me to know how much he loved me and the baby.  He said he knew we had a long road ahead, but that he’d be with me every step and that God would remain faithful as we trust Him.  He is right and I’m glad. :)

Birthdays, Butterflies and Trash Bags

Lucy loved butterflies and the color purple.  I know this because she was my daughter.  This is why we got her a birthday butterfly to put on her grave and some purple balloons to let go in her honor.  As much as we'd love to see her delight as we showed her the balloons, Lucy will be celebrating her first birthday in heaven.  What better place to be?  It's comforting knowing that she's in better care than we could've ever provided.  She has been fulfilling her purpose of worship since the day she was born!  I don't have many "proud mom" moments because I didn't know Lucy very long, but the few I have had stick in my mind.  They've been a big part of my healing.  I remember my friend Kelly leaning back to me at church, hugging me and saying, "Your daughter was beautiful!"  I remember the way our family and the staff that delivered Lucy looked at her when she was born like she was the most precious girl they'd ever seen.  I remember my husband holding her in his hands and kissing her tiny forehead.  And I'll never forget the day when the hospital changed her death certificate to say "baby" instead of "fetus" because she scored so high on her Apgar Test.  These are all moments I was able to smile and think, "That's my girl!"

We talk about Lucy a lot. We still imagine what she'd be like if she were with us.  It's been a year and that hasn't changed.  I feared that I would forget her as time passed, but even a year later I can describe the events leading up to her birth in more detail than I'd care to sometimes.  Although some memories haunt me and may forever, I will always remember February 21st as one of the best days of my life because that's the day I got to hold my daughter.  And I will always remember Valentine's Day as the day we found out Lucy was a Lucy.  This wasn't true until about 2 weeks ago when I was thoroughly annoyed by all the Valentines commotion.  I thought, "what a crummy day...the day we found out we were probably going to lose our daughter."  And then it hit me that it was also the day we found out about our daughter and we were truly overjoyed!!  And those are the memories I'm choosing to hold close.  Even in my darkest moments and my deepest grief, I still have a choice.  There are days when I sit and cry for my baby, but there's never a day when a good memory doesn't surface.  I pray often that I will remember those good memories the most and I'd say as time passes that is becoming more true.  Lucy was born on exactly the day she was supposed to be.  It's difficult to accept that sometimes but I know God's plans are far greater than mine.    And yes, He had a purpose for our sweet baby's short life.  I know because He says so and I've seen God at work in my life.  I'm different than I was before I had Lucy, and I'm happy to say that many of those differences mean that my faith has grown deeper.  When I hit my rock bottom, God was there. I know what it feels like to be held up in prayer.  It is an amazing experience to have so much peace when you're at your worst.  And even in my worst, God is there.

The days, maybe even weeks after Lucy was born are a bit of a blur to me.  To be honest, I don't remember a lot.  I felt like I was in a tunnel, just existing.  People brought us food, friends visited, we got tons of cards and I felt lost in it.  I remember thinking it was going to be like that forever.  I was sad and I didn't feel like doing anything.  And that's where the trash bags come in.  I went to put a new bag in and realized we were out.  As I started looking around, I realized we were out of a lot of things and I started to make a list.  I'm a list maker- always have been.  I remember making that list and thanking God for something "normal."  Everybody has to buy trash bags, well except for the lady on Hoarding who just puts her trash all around the house.  Ew!!  Anyway, I don't think I was ever more happy to buy them!  People have said a lot of things to me in this last year that I remember.  All were well meant, most were well taken and some may be in one of my blogs some day titled, "Things You Should Never Say To a Grieving Mother."  The one thing I've heard over and over though, that really has proven true is that time heals. I have no doubt in my mind that God is still mending my heart, but it just gets different as days go by.  I hesitate to say "easier" because I don't think that word has any place in grief.  Riding a bike is easy.  Changing a light bulb is easy.  Grief isn't easy.

I'm not exactly sure what Lucy Day will be like tomorrow.  I'm sure there will be tears and I'm sure there will be laughing.  It will probably include Eden hugging Lucy's picture and saying "baby night night."  But one thing I do know for sure is that it will always be the day I remember the treasure God gave us in Lucy!