I'm writing with an extremely heavy heart today. Mostly because of what we've been going through for the last year, but also because if you're reading this it's because you care for us in some way and if you didn't already know what I'm about to say, then your heart's going to break a little. I know this because if it happened to you, I would be heartbroken for you. I would cry for you and wonder how in the world this could happen to someone twice in the matter of a year. But please read until the end as I hope to share what keeps us going, what makes us have hope in such a tragedy and why we will be okay.
I don't know what the chances are of your baby dying from the umbilical cord being tightly wound around their neck, but I know that the doctor told us that we'd have a better chance of winning the lottery than it happening again. When Ethan was born 2 weeks ago, we were in a way relieved to find out that the cause of his passing was not for the same reason that we had Lucy early. At first I was mortified as my mind immediately thought that he was in a lot of pain when it happened, but the nurse assured me that he wasn't. When the doctor couldn't find Ethan's heartbeat at our appointment earlier that day, nor movement on the sonogram, we were in complete shock. We just sat there and wept. Our hearts were broken....again. My mind instantly thought that there was something wrong with me, or with Ethan. How could a baby that was so lively just a week before, be so lifeless now? We had just spent about an hour with Ethan the week before at the specialist's office. My mom got to go in with us and we were all amazed at every little detail. He was perfect and healthy and I was healthy too. That was the reason Jimmy and I breathed a sigh of relief. That is why we started telling more people. That is why I switched out all of my regular clothes with maternity and that's why I started blogging again. We though it was safe and we were in the clear.
I'm not going to share the details about Ethan's birth right now....not because I don't want to, but because I just can't yet. I will, just not today.
The verse below sums up the way I felt the moment we heard the words from the sono tech...."I'm sorry, but your baby has passed away...."
2 Corinthians 4: 7-9 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.
8We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair;
9persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed...
I felt like I had been kicked while I had not even gotten back up yet. I was completely perplexed. I didn't understand. My emotions were all over the place. The words kept running through my mind, "not again." I never blamed God for Lucy being born too soon, but a while after her death I went through a "why" stage. That stage hit me much sooner with Ethan. Like a kid who will ask their parents "why?" before they ever even get a chance to answer, I was pleading with God and asking "why again?" I just didn't understand and I may not ever until I see my babies in heaven one day. I'm learning to be okay with that.
Our sermon Sunday was on Acts 10:34-43. (http://harvestpeoria.org/watch/lord-of-all/) It was excellent and God really spoke to me through it. It was on peace and healing, life and salvation.....all things that are close to me right now. It made me realize how thankful I am for the second parts of the verse I shared above. I am Not crushed, I am Not driven to despair, and I am Not forsaken or destroyed. All of this is thanks to my Awesome God!! I would be lost without him and am sure I would be in a much worse place right now. God has been my strength when I'm weak, my light in the darkness and my peace in the storms. And as awful as the death of Lucy and Ethan has been, I still have hope knowing that they are safe together in heaven.
Prayer is powerful and that's been very evident recently. With just a few phone calls to family and friends, we had hundreds of people praying for us. Several people prayed with us at the hospital, including one of the nurses. My mom recited scripture to me and I had several that I could read on my own that friends had sent. One friend even sat beside me and read to me. Peace. People have asked me how I can be so strong and what I do to get through. There you have it. Having the peace the God gives is essential to my healing. I've experienced it in the past and am thankful to have His peace now. I will not tell you that I'm doing great, because I'm not. I am broken, but I will be okay.
An excerpt from The Love Dare devotional Jimmy and I are reading: "Love is fundamental to the success of your marriage. ...when storms rise and conditions worsen, love-driven marriages endure and work through even the toughest of issues without giving up."
In the doctor's office, one of the nurses smiled at Jimmy and me and said, "You two are a good match." Then in the hospital, before Ethan was born, a nurse looked at me and said, "You need to hang on to him." I could write for hours about how they could not be more right, but I'll spare you the mushy details. I can't say enough how blessed I am to have Jimmy as my husband though. He loves me far greater than I could've ever imagined or even deserve at times. He has been by my side, praying for me, encouraging me, crying with me, holding me and calming me every step of they way. He came to every. single. doctor's appointment and there were a lot!!! Before he accepted his recent new job offer, he made sure they understood that he would be gone at least once a week for appointments. The way he cares for our family is amazing. He's a true reflection of God's love and God knew I needed him long before I ever did. Jimmy and I will work through this and we will not give up because God is on our side. He is the center of our marriage and the reason we love each other so deeply. God is love and love never fails. That is why we have hope, what keeps us going and why we will be okay.
Learning to live the life God has called me to....
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Friday, March 20, 2015
You Wonder....
I've been putting this blog off for quite a while. I've started to write it several times but I just didn't have the words. After you lose a child, you wonder when it will be safe to have another. You wonder if another child will cause you to forget the one in heaven. You wonder who you should tell you're expecting and when and how much information to give. You wonder when it's safe to get out your maternity clothes and start buying necessary items. You wonder when to start making your registry and planning a shower. You wonder at what point you will be back in the hospital again and if the same thing will happen again. You wonder….
We found out we were expecting again while visiting Jimmy's family for Christmas. That makes our due date September 13th. We were and are thrilled!!! This baby, our baby, is such a special gift that came at just the right time. I don't know why I would've expected anything less. If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, it's that God's plan/purpose is perfect. I knew this before, but I'd never really appreciated it so much.
Proverbs 19:21 says:
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.”
This verse has meant a lot to me lately. It's one I hold close when I need some reassurance. It reminds me that no matter how much I want to be in control, that God has a purpose that will be fulfilled. And trust me, it’s better that way. :) When I surrender that and truly trust Him, I feel a great peace and confidence that only He can give. It's been a bumpy road so far. We are about 15 weeks and have had some complications already. I am human and so naturally I have been scared. All of those "wonders" I mentioned above aren't far from my mind each day. But even my husband can attest to my calmness this time around. I promise you that it is not by my own strength. I am the girl who thought my sister was dying when she got the wind knocked out of her and the one who thought her other sister was dying when she passed out after having her wisdom teeth out. I am a natural worrier, panic pro and over-reacter. That's why I'm thankful for a God who's bigger than all of that and am Sooo glad He gave me a husband who is far from those 3 things.
We had another sonogram Tuesday. I believe this was our 7th one. (This is a definite plus of being high risk. :) ) The doctor used words like "perfect" and "great" and "normal." These words are music to my ears! And seeing our baby on the big screen is simply amazing. Baby "E" already has toes and fingers, a brain, a nose and chin. The high tech sono they do was able to show us the tiny bladder and the blood flow through the umbilical cord. They were even able to tell us the gender today....they think. ;) I love the baby more each time I see it and am in awe of what a miracle it is!!!
I will admit that last week I lost it. I was feeling a little more emotional than usual and I just couldn't keep it together. I have orders to "take it easy" and "sit more than you stand" and no traveling and you can't do this and you can't do that and I tire more easily and I'm sore from my cerclage and Ahhhhh!!!! I just wished I was normal! These things are not easy for me. I've never liked being told that I can't do something and besides that, I'm a busy person. Sitting for long periods of time makes me antsy and bored. I don't like asking for help....I like to do things by myself!! And yet here I am, typing this in my recliner, with my pillow strategically placed behind my back and my TV tray equipped with supplies I regularly need. I'm not doing "this" and I'm not doing "that" and I will continue to do whatever the doctors tell me to do because I love this baby more than I could've ever dreamed!
I've already received several sweet cards and messages, hot meals when I was in the hospital, and a full freezer of meals from Jimmy's family, visits from friends when I was on bed rest, visits from family and tons of help from my sweet mom, including her being my grocery shopper. People are praying for us and I can tell. And there is no appropriate word that sums up how grateful I am for Jimmy. He is truly a gift and loves me so well. He works hard at work and home and I’m getting better at accepting/asking for his help. He brought home a card a couple weeks ago just because…..he just wanted me to know how much he loved me and the baby. He said he knew we had a long road ahead, but that he’d be with me every step and that God would remain faithful as we trust Him. He is right and I’m glad. :)
Friday, February 20, 2015
Birthdays, Butterflies and Trash Bags
Lucy loved butterflies and the color purple. I know this because she was my daughter. This is why we got her a birthday butterfly to put on her grave and some purple balloons to let go in her honor. As much as we'd love to see her delight as we showed her the balloons, Lucy will be celebrating her first birthday in heaven. What better place to be? It's comforting knowing that she's in better care than we could've ever provided. She has been fulfilling her purpose of worship since the day she was born! I don't have many "proud mom" moments because I didn't know Lucy very long, but the few I have had stick in my mind. They've been a big part of my healing. I remember my friend Kelly leaning back to me at church, hugging me and saying, "Your daughter was beautiful!" I remember the way our family and the staff that delivered Lucy looked at her when she was born like she was the most precious girl they'd ever seen. I remember my husband holding her in his hands and kissing her tiny forehead. And I'll never forget the day when the hospital changed her death certificate to say "baby" instead of "fetus" because she scored so high on her Apgar Test. These are all moments I was able to smile and think, "That's my girl!"
We talk about Lucy a lot. We still imagine what she'd be like if she were with us. It's been a year and that hasn't changed. I feared that I would forget her as time passed, but even a year later I can describe the events leading up to her birth in more detail than I'd care to sometimes. Although some memories haunt me and may forever, I will always remember February 21st as one of the best days of my life because that's the day I got to hold my daughter. And I will always remember Valentine's Day as the day we found out Lucy was a Lucy. This wasn't true until about 2 weeks ago when I was thoroughly annoyed by all the Valentines commotion. I thought, "what a crummy day...the day we found out we were probably going to lose our daughter." And then it hit me that it was also the day we found out about our daughter and we were truly overjoyed!! And those are the memories I'm choosing to hold close. Even in my darkest moments and my deepest grief, I still have a choice. There are days when I sit and cry for my baby, but there's never a day when a good memory doesn't surface. I pray often that I will remember those good memories the most and I'd say as time passes that is becoming more true. Lucy was born on exactly the day she was supposed to be. It's difficult to accept that sometimes but I know God's plans are far greater than mine. And yes, He had a purpose for our sweet baby's short life. I know because He says so and I've seen God at work in my life. I'm different than I was before I had Lucy, and I'm happy to say that many of those differences mean that my faith has grown deeper. When I hit my rock bottom, God was there. I know what it feels like to be held up in prayer. It is an amazing experience to have so much peace when you're at your worst. And even in my worst, God is there.
The days, maybe even weeks after Lucy was born are a bit of a blur to me. To be honest, I don't remember a lot. I felt like I was in a tunnel, just existing. People brought us food, friends visited, we got tons of cards and I felt lost in it. I remember thinking it was going to be like that forever. I was sad and I didn't feel like doing anything. And that's where the trash bags come in. I went to put a new bag in and realized we were out. As I started looking around, I realized we were out of a lot of things and I started to make a list. I'm a list maker- always have been. I remember making that list and thanking God for something "normal." Everybody has to buy trash bags, well except for the lady on Hoarding who just puts her trash all around the house. Ew!! Anyway, I don't think I was ever more happy to buy them! People have said a lot of things to me in this last year that I remember. All were well meant, most were well taken and some may be in one of my blogs some day titled, "Things You Should Never Say To a Grieving Mother." The one thing I've heard over and over though, that really has proven true is that time heals. I have no doubt in my mind that God is still mending my heart, but it just gets different as days go by. I hesitate to say "easier" because I don't think that word has any place in grief. Riding a bike is easy. Changing a light bulb is easy. Grief isn't easy.
I'm not exactly sure what Lucy Day will be like tomorrow. I'm sure there will be tears and I'm sure there will be laughing. It will probably include Eden hugging Lucy's picture and saying "baby night night." But one thing I do know for sure is that it will always be the day I remember the treasure God gave us in Lucy!
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Losing
I don’t like losing.
I never have. Whenever I play
games and I know that I’m about to lose, something comes over me that I can’t
explain. I can feel the control slipping
away from me. Not being able to do
something about it is agonizing. This
has of course gotten better as I’ve grown, but that feeling is always there, a
little. When Franco ran away Thursday, I
felt this same feeling. I was calling
and calling him, just waiting for him to come running full speed at the sound
of my voice. He always did. I wasn’t worried at first. I had just checked on him and he was sitting
on the step as he always did. He was
predictable, or so I thought. Never in a
million years did I think he would run away.
From the day we got him, we realized he was scared of Everything, except
me. He loved me. It was like he knew his purpose was to help
me heal, which it was. Jimmy picked him
out and although he hid under the chair for a short time, once I held him we
both knew that he was going home with us.
From that day on he chose to be by my side 99% of the time. And the 1% he didn’t choose me, he could be
easily persuaded by a simple command from me.
This is why I didn’t worry when I was calling for him. But then a few minutes passed and he still
didn’t come. That’s when panic sunk in
and terrible thoughts started running through my mind. I walked around the neighborhood asking
everyone and anyone if they’d seen a little Chihuahua.
A boy on a bike said he went towards the school and a lady in a van
confirmed it. I immediately started
running that way, calling with desperation in my voice. The lady in the van asked me if she could
drive me and helped me look for over a half hour. In the meantime my mom was looking too. I called the police, put it on facebook. I was desperate. I eventually asked to be dropped off at my
house and started on my bike. This didn’t
make sense to me….he would never do this.
I was trying to think like Franco.
I knew he didn’t like to walk on the grass, so I was checking main roads
and bike paths. This scared me because he
was so tiny and the chances of him getting hit by a car were great. That fear was soon confirmed. After looking for over an hour, the animal
hospital called. I cried a huge sigh of
relief when they said they had Franco, but that was soon followed by a
terrified cry when they said he’d been hit by a car. If you’ve seen Franco, then you know that his
little body was no match for anything on 4 wheels. She said he was stable and I rushed to Rescued Heart Animal
Hospital as fast as I
could. When the doctor brought him in,
she warned me that his hind end was beat up pretty bad, but I could see his
tail. As soon as he saw me, he started
wagging it, as he always did. But he was
on major pain meds and he looked completely worn. He wouldn’t even lick my hand or face and it
broke my heart. I could see I was losing
him, but I couldn’t think like that. So
my mind shifted into mommy mode. I
wrapped my arms around him, kissed his absolutely adorable little face and told
him I was so sorry. I cried imagining
the pain his little body was enduring and there wasn’t anything I could
do. I was out of control of the situation
and I could hardly bear it. I told the
vet he loved blankets and thanked her for keeping him wrapped up. I told her that he liked Pupperoni treats and
that he wouldn’t eat their food because he was so picky and probably super
scared.
She asked for permission to do x-rays, which I immediately consented to. I never dreamed I’d be in this spot, having to make these decisions so soon. We only had him 4 months. I told her to do whatever she needed to do to help him. Dr. Newcomb was so kind and helped calm me a bit. I was alone and so I just prayed and prayed that God would save my little puppy. When I walked out of the room, my friend Jodi was there and I was glad. She was the one who helped get Franco a new home and she was a huge comfort to me while I waited for Jimmy. As soon as Jimmy got there, the vet came out and said she’d done the x-rays. I was so thankful she did them so quickly because she said it may be another 2 hours. She explained that his hind legs weren’t broken, but they may have nerve damage. Only time would tell. She said his pelvic bone was definitely broken and cage rest would heal that. Then she explained that she couldn’t find his bladder, which was a major concern. Although it didn’t seem anything else was wrong, we simply wouldn’t know for sure until a couple days had passed. He needed to pee and so that is what we hoped for. That would mean his bladder was ok. If not, then they would have to do surgery to see if it was repairable. And if it wasn’t, then we would have to do the unthinkable. The vet didn’t even say it. She could see that I couldn’t think that far ahead. We went back home to get Franco’s treats and food that he likes. On our way home, we stopped at the man's house that took Franco to the hospital. He had found Franco laying in his yard and could tell that he'd been hit by a car. I didn't realize it until he opened the door that it was the father of one of my former volleyball girls, Kyndi. He was so kind and was surprised to hear Franco might make it. He knew how badly he was injured and said that he got him to the hospital in about 15 minutes. We were SOOOO thankful he did this. He said Franco was pretty scared, which we assumed he was, and that he bit him when he tried to give him water. Had John not taken him to the hospital, we probably never would've seen Franco alive again.
Dr. Newcomb warned me that he probably wouldn’t eat and she was right. He just laid there, trying a few times to pull himself towards Jimmy and I. It was heart wrenching. He just wanted me to hold him and I couldn’t. He was starting to look a little more alert, but his breathing was so heavy and his temperature was too low. We were losing him.
She asked for permission to do x-rays, which I immediately consented to. I never dreamed I’d be in this spot, having to make these decisions so soon. We only had him 4 months. I told her to do whatever she needed to do to help him. Dr. Newcomb was so kind and helped calm me a bit. I was alone and so I just prayed and prayed that God would save my little puppy. When I walked out of the room, my friend Jodi was there and I was glad. She was the one who helped get Franco a new home and she was a huge comfort to me while I waited for Jimmy. As soon as Jimmy got there, the vet came out and said she’d done the x-rays. I was so thankful she did them so quickly because she said it may be another 2 hours. She explained that his hind legs weren’t broken, but they may have nerve damage. Only time would tell. She said his pelvic bone was definitely broken and cage rest would heal that. Then she explained that she couldn’t find his bladder, which was a major concern. Although it didn’t seem anything else was wrong, we simply wouldn’t know for sure until a couple days had passed. He needed to pee and so that is what we hoped for. That would mean his bladder was ok. If not, then they would have to do surgery to see if it was repairable. And if it wasn’t, then we would have to do the unthinkable. The vet didn’t even say it. She could see that I couldn’t think that far ahead. We went back home to get Franco’s treats and food that he likes. On our way home, we stopped at the man's house that took Franco to the hospital. He had found Franco laying in his yard and could tell that he'd been hit by a car. I didn't realize it until he opened the door that it was the father of one of my former volleyball girls, Kyndi. He was so kind and was surprised to hear Franco might make it. He knew how badly he was injured and said that he got him to the hospital in about 15 minutes. We were SOOOO thankful he did this. He said Franco was pretty scared, which we assumed he was, and that he bit him when he tried to give him water. Had John not taken him to the hospital, we probably never would've seen Franco alive again.
Dr. Newcomb warned me that he probably wouldn’t eat and she was right. He just laid there, trying a few times to pull himself towards Jimmy and I. It was heart wrenching. He just wanted me to hold him and I couldn’t. He was starting to look a little more alert, but his breathing was so heavy and his temperature was too low. We were losing him.
We left the
vet and I just felt worn out. It was
quite an emotional day and I’d barley eaten.
My mom had made dinner for us and so we stopped there and ate with my
brother and the boys. The doctor said
she would call if there were any changes.
I kept checking my phone in hopes she would call to say he went to the bathroom. She didn’t call. She said she would go back and check on him
at night, but still no call. Jimmy and I
went to bed early, but I was up off and on all night. I kept dreaming about Franco. One of my dreams was of him sitting up
already and I woke up thinking he would be okay. I dreamed that the vet called at 2 a.m. to
tell me he went to the bathroom and again I thought he was going to make
it. I prayed several things as I lay
there awake. I prayed that if were going
to lose him, that we wouldn’t have to make the decision to put him down, but
that he would die peacefully in his sleep.
I prayed that God would calm my anxiousness and help me not to
worry. I prayed that Franco wouldn’t be
scared or feel the pain.
I woke up
early that morning. The vet opened at
7:30 and I planned to go see Franco shortly after that. Jimmy was getting ready for work when Dr.
Newcomb called. I was slightly excited,
hoping for the news that he had gone potty in the night. However, my heart sunk when she said that he
had passed away in his sleep. She had
checked on him at 10:00 the night before and he was stable, but when she came
in the morning, he had died. She said
that there was probably more internal damage than we knew and his little body
couldn’t handle it. Deep down, Jimmy and
I knew this was most likely going to be the case, but we still couldn’t believe
it. Jimmy called in to work and we both
sat there in disbelief, shocked, mad, broken.
Our devotion that morning was on blessings through trials and we both
agreed that we’d been blessed enough with trials. We prayed a simple prayer that morning that God
would give us a quick answer because we couldn’t bear the pain of waiting
anymore, it was too much. Our prayer was
answered and still we couldn’t believe it.
I looked on the couch where it was stained from Franco licking it and at
the dog hair on the pillow. I cried
thinking about how he’ll never come running in the living room again and jump
on the couch with me. I hated the
thought of not tucking him in his bed at night or taking him on anymore
walks. My heart just hurt and I could
see that Jimmy’s did too. When I said
earlier that Franco was afraid of everything, Jimmy was no exclusion. It was frustrating for both of us, especially
Jimmy at first. But Franco had made such
huge progress. In the last several weeks
he had started coming every time Jimmy called him with his whistle. He would jump up on the couch with Jimmy too
and lick him like crazy. He preferred to
cuddle up with Jimmy instead of me in the morning. And he would play with Jimmy unlike he would
with anyone else. It was so funny to
watch him as he’d run at Jimmy, lick him, paw at him, run in a circle, run
away, and then back at Jimmy and nestle in for a scratch.
He was
getting better with the kids too. I
think he finally realized that being in our family meant being around a lot of
kids! The first few times he nipped at
them over and over again, but he learned quickly that they were safe. He was learning that wherever he was with us
that it was safe and he didn’t have to be scared. I had to leave him with my brother a few
times and the last time I left him he ran to my sister-in-law and jumped on her
lap. I was so glad he was finally warming
up and I didn’t feel as bad about leaving him.
Other than those few times I left him, he went everywhere with me that
allowed dogs. My father-in-law even
consented to letting him in his home, which we were all pretty shocked
about. Everyone loved Franco. The kids adored him and there wasn’t a
stranger that didn’t smile when they saw him.
He was the best dog I have ever known.
He only barked to let us know someone was at the door and he never
whined or yapped. He was so obedient and
he was just a super happy little dog. He
made Jimmy and I laugh daily. We rescued
him from the shelter about 4 months ago, and he rescued me from several sad
days since then. I wondered why he had
been at the shelter so long, but now I know that he wasn’t meant to be with
anyone else. He was our dog and we loved
him more than I could’ve ever imagined.
I thank God that we had him, even if for just a short time.
2014 has
been a tough year for us. If we believed
in curses, we’d think that 14 was a curse.
It’s the year we lost Lucy and now Franco, each occurrence beginning on
the 14th of the month. It’s definitely
a year we will never forget and we are confident that God will continue to show
himself faithful in our lives. We don’t
have a daughter at home and we don’t have our sweet puppy, but we have Christ
and that is all we need. I believe God
gives us the things we truly need, the strength we truly need to live this life
He’s blessed us with. But my focus still
needs to be on Him. I don’t always know
why but I also can’t see the big picture and I have to trust knowing that I don’t
have complete control. Yesterday was a
sad day but I have peace knowing that God will never leave me or forsake
me. Even though our devotion yesterday was
a tough pill to swallow, we can’t deny the fact that we are Very blessed. One of our biggest blessings is our
families. My mom met us at the vet
yesterday and took Franco home with her for my dad to bury later at our
farm. My brother and dad had already
worked it out the night before. He is
buried next to my brother’s dog Axl. I just
couldn’t bear to do it. My mom sat in
the vet office and cried with us as we said goodbye to Franco, then paid the
bill on her way out. Jimmy’s parents,
from Michigan,
called to let us know they were coming to be with us and said they’d like to
help us when we decided to get a new dog.
Other family members and friends texted, called and sent messages. We could feel the support and prayers and
were comforted knowing they all care so much.
Many cried for and with us. Sharing
the burden with so many others makes it so much more bearable. We still hurt and that’s okay, it’s going to
be like that for a while. We miss Franco
like crazy. We even had a song that we
used to sing him and Jimmy started to sing it yesterday before he remembered he
was gone. The vet gave us a clay paw
impression with Franco’s name spelled wrong on it, but we can just include that
in the many names we’d given him over the last 4 months. Franco, Franko, Franklin, Frank, Frankie,
Frankenstein, Fronco, Fronc, Frankendoodle, Pup-Pup, Puppy, Frankster, Frank the Tank,
Farfel, Fresco, Good Boy: Thank you for
being a part of our family! If the movie’s
right and all dogs do go to heaven, then I’m sure Lucy has a new best friend. :)
Monday, July 14, 2014
One More Week With Lucy
Disclaimer: I wrote this mostly for myself. I don't mind sharing it with others, but I just wanted to warn you that it is lengthy and detailed. Some are details that are probably only really important to me. Writing (especially this story) is hard but very healing. It forces me to process what's happened and allows me to talk about it more easily when it comes up.
One More Week With Lucy
Something just wasn't quite right. I told my friend Jacque as I was leaving church Wednesday that I was going to call the doctor the next day. I was bleeding a little and although this had occurred more than once during the 20 weeks I was pregnant, this felt different. On my way home I called my sister to tell her as well, hoping for some comfort, which is exactly what she gave me. She said she'd experienced that before and that hopefully all was well. By the time I got home though, my worries had gotten the best of me. I was up most of the night worried that something was wrong, crying, shaky. I finally was able to fall asleep and actually got a good night's rest. I felt better and decided I would call the doctor after work if I still didn't feel right. It was the day before Valentine's Day and Jimmy and I were supposed to go out for a nice dinner since Friday wasn't going to work for us. I was unusually exhausted after work though and so we decided to hold off on dinner. That should have been a major clue to me, since most of you know I don't usually pass up a nice meal. I called the doctor and they said that it didn't sound like an emergency but that they'd like to see me the next day anyway.
Jimmy and I both took the morning off of work. We drove separately, thinking we would be going back in the afternoon. I actually felt good. Jimmy compliments my tendency to overreact and worry with his calm and reassuring nature. We actually joked in the waiting room about how we really just came today to find out the gender of our baby. That appointment wasn't supposed to be for another 2 weeks and we were dying to find out what we were having! We got called back and immediately went in for a sonogram. We hadn't seen the baby for almost 9 weeks so we were shocked to see the growth! We asked the tech if she would be able to tell us the gender and she said it was without a doubt a girl. I remember apologizing to Jimmy because I was hoping for his sake that it would be a boy. He was thrilled though and assured me that a girl was okay. :) We knew her name already and began to call her by name immediately. Lucy was so strong and healthy. It was very apparent on the screen that she was fine. Her development was right on track and she had a good strong heart beat. The tech told us that she didn't see any reason for bleeding and she let us go.
As we waited for the nurse to come in, we were almost giddy. The tech had printed pictures for us and we looked them over and over and talked about Lucy. I was so relieved to know that she was okay and felt silly for worrying like I had. This joy however was soon to be bombarded with a fear unlike I had ever known.
A midwife came in about 10 minutes later. Her name was Lynette Davis and although I'd never met her before, I liked her instantly. She was very kind and knowledgeable. She checked me and said that my cervix did feel softer than normal but she didn't seem overly concerned. We showed her our pictures and then she pulled up the tech notes on her computer. She questioned why I didn't get an internal sono. Although everything looked fine, she said she just didn't feel right about us leaving without me having an internal sono. So, back to the sono room we went. I wasn't worried now because I knew everything was fine before and this would just give us another chance to see Lucy. :) Little did we know though that this would be the start of the most difficult time in our lives.
The tech put Lucy back up on the screen, but we could barely see her this time. This was not a check to see Lucy, it was to look at what was causing the problem. I could see the worry on the tech's face. I saw her take the mouse and create a line that was a few inches long and save it. I asked her if everything looked fine, already knowing the answer. She replied, "No it is not fine." I panicked instantly, I didn't know what what was going on but I knew it wasn't good. Jimmy squeezed my hand and reassured me that we would be okay and that I just needed to stay calm. The tech said that she couldn't tell me anymore and that she needed to get the doctor immediately. I remember hearing a lot of doctor jargon. Words and phrases that I now know the meaning of all too well were swarming around the room. Hourglass membranes, cerclage, trendelenburg, length of cervix, etc. I'd never had a baby before, but I knew enough to know that being 3cm dilated at 19 weeks, 3 days was not good. The staff was so kind to us, but I could tell that this was an emergency. They told me that Jimmy was to take me directly to OSF. I immediately began to worry: my insurance didn't cover OSF, I was supposed to go back to school, I was scheduled to work a basketball game that night........I didn't have time for this.
It was snowing hard outside by now. Jimmy went out to clear off the car and I called the school to let them know that I wasn't coming back, possibly for quite a while. I could hardly spit the words out to the secretary. Angela had texted, fearing that something was wrong because I hadn't called yet. She was right but I wasn't in the right mind to call her back. I wanted to talk to my mom. My mom, like my husband, seems to always be able to keep calm in stressful situations. I wanted her to tell me that Lucy would be fine, that I would be fine and that everything would be okay. I was trying to stay calm, but I was dying inside and I needed to hear those words from her. I told her what was going on and asked her to please call everyone and let them know. Then Jimmy called his mom to tell her and let his side of the family know. We were hoping that his parents would come despite the bad weather and they did. They left that day.
When we got to the hospital they put me in a wheelchair immediately and took me to the antepartum floor. My sister-in-law, Candi had recently started working as a nurse on that floor. I was reassured to know she would be there, but scared because I knew what being on that floor meant. They made me put a gown on and then said that I was not allowed to get up, even to use the restroom. Hello bedpan! Ugh. They also said that I wasn't allowed to eat, which was a major bummer because I hadn't eaten since 6:30 and my heartburn was getting worse by the second. But because I was most likely going into surgery, ice chips were the only thing on the menu. To make matters worse, they had me in trendelenburg position, which is where they make you lie on your back and then tilt the bed down where your head is. It's basically a method used to torture pregnant women prone to heartburn. :)
It took a while to be admitted but not too long after a resident doctor came in to check me. She verified that I was about 2-3 centimeters dilated. She didn't have very good bedside manner and it hurt when she checked me. I wasn't impressed. I took what she said with a grain of salt and waited for the specialist. Finally around 2:00 he came! Dr. Michael Leonardi! He would be our best friend for the next week. When he came in the door, I shouted across the room, "Are you a doctor?" He laughed and so did the nurses. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was just SOOO happy to finally see a doctor! He was so incredibly kind. Before he checked me, he talked to Jimmy and I for a few minutes to get the story directly from us, not just from what he'd read on the chart. I liked him instantly for this. He really cared about what we said. When he checked me he verified that I was dilated, but it was closer to a 4. :/ I could see the concern on his face. For the next hour or so Jimmy, Dr. Leonardi and I sat and talked about our options, one which was out of the question. Abortion. I hate this word and apparently so did the doctor. He very hesitantly brought it up and didn't even say the actual word. Jimmy interrupted him and said that would not even be a consideration. So basically he told us that we could do 1 of 3 things. 1. I could go home and be on bed rest until I delivered, which would most likely be soon. (A very low percentage of women make it much further once they're dilated as much as I was.) 2. I could stay in the hospital on bed rest until I delivered, which again would most likely be soon. 3. He could put a rescue cerclage in, which means he would go in and put the amniotic sac back where it's supposed to be and stitch up my cervix.
It seemed like a no brainer to us and so we asked what the risks were to having the cerclage. He basically told us that rescue cerclages don't always work. He said that he doesn't do them when someone's dilated past 5 cm, which meant that it would be close. There was of course risk of infection and my water breaking since it had already started to come through and it's not meant to be tampered with. We were pretty sure that was the choice we would make and our decision was finalized when he said if it were his wife that is what he would do. He scheduled the surgery for the next afternoon. Before he left I asked him if I could please eat something. He looked dumbfounded and couldn't believe they didn't let me eat. He ordered the nurse in the nicest way possible to "get this woman something to eat!" :) This began our week long saga of talking about foods and restaurants we like- this is another reason we liked Dr. L. so much. :)
After we met with the doctor, they took me to my permanent room. The plan was to be there until I delivered. It sounds crazy, but we were hoping to be there for 16 weeks. This would be considered full term for someone with a cerclage. We already had family and friends planning trips to come stay with me since I was going to be there so long. Jimmy's parents were on their way and we were being bombarded with texts and calls. By this time I had eaten a little and actually felt pretty good. Jimmy prayed with me and put a bible verse up on the board for me to look at whenever I got scared. I didn't sleep well that night and neither did Jimmy. I wasn't allowed to sit up at all and so it was hard to switch sides on my own and prop myself up with the pillows. I woke Jimmy up about a million times and not once did he complain. That next morning I went in for the cerclage about 12. They gave me a spinal block so I was awake and aware of what was going on the whole time. Normally that would not be good for me, especially because they wouldn't let Jimmy in with me. However, the anesthesiologist and other staff were great. They even told jokes the whole time. I could tell they'd done this a million times. They worked like pros and even Dr. L. was telling a joke as he was working. Weird, but distracting and being distracted is what I needed. I knew that there was a chance that he wouldn't be able to perform the cerclage and I was praying that would not be the case. When the doctor finished, he was sweating so I could tell it wasn't easy. But Praise the Lord he was able to do it! They took me to a recovery room, let Jimmy in and then Dr. L. came back to check on Lucy. His exact words were, "She looks awesome!" Music to a mother and father's ears!!! She did look awesome. I'd never had a sono. done by a specialist before and I soon found out why he gets paid the big bucks. He showed us great profiles of Lucy, took individual pictures of her feet and hands and he even showed us her brain! It looked like she was waving at us. When I came out of recovery, my sister was there and that made me cry. I didn't expect her to come since she lives a few hours away and I knew she'd have to go back that night. Aside from other family members, some people from my impact group had come and one of our pastors. Unbelievable.
The next 72 hours were crucial. The main concern is that my water wouldn't break, but unfortunately that happened Tuesday night. I was devastated when the doctor confirmed that it was in fact amniotic fluid. I thought it was over. My hope of Lucy surviving was shattered. A baby born under 24 weeks is not considered viable. I needed to make it to then at least. Even still, Lucy's chances of survival were slim. Dr. Leonardi looked at me and said, "I'm not giving up on Lucy, are you?" With a confused look on my face, I said, "No!" Then the hope came back. I didn't realize that you can still carry a baby with no water. It is much more risky, but possible. On the bright side, this meant that there wasn't as much pressure on Lucy now and I could sit up a little. After 5 days of being in trendelenberg, sitting up was like a gift!
Since Jimmy and I had both been up all night Tuesday, we asked for no visitors. We needed to rest and just spend some time alone and with our family. I spent a lot of time reading, praying and reading scripture that various people had given me. My in-laws, mom, Jimmy and I sat together and read from a devotional his mom had brought. We prayed, read verses and just talked for quite a while. I had never been so scared in my life and was amazed at the peace God had given me during that moment. That was one of the first times that I realized that God's plan was unfolding and no matter what that meant, I needed to choose to trust. My other choice was fear and there wasn't room for that.
That night I started having a little cramping but it was hardly noticeable. I was hoping it was just an upset stomach. By Thursday afternoon it was starting to increase and by that night I knew that something was wrong. Jimmy's mom had stayed with me that night, which I was glad for. Both of our moms had agreed to stay a night so Jimmy could get some rest. He was right in the middle of getting licensed for a new position at work and he had a huge test Thursday that he had hardly studied for. I remember trying not to make too big of a deal about the pain I was having because I didn't want Jimmy to worry during his test. When he called me to tell me he passed, we were all so thrilled! I tried to downplay the pain I was having, praying that it would just go away. It didn't. Thursday night it kept increasing through the night and by the time I woke up Friday morning I asked for some pain medication. This began the longest day of my life.
Jimmy had gone to work Friday morning because he hadn't gone the whole week. I told the nurses of my concern about the pain and they gave me some Tylenol. That didn't begin to touch the pain though. I was trying to stay calm, but the worse the cramping got, the more nervous I got. Jimmy came to the hospital on his lunch break and by then I was really hurting. Naturally the nurses thought I was contracting, but they weren't showing up on the monitor so they dismissed it. My pain was at a 10 though so I knew if they weren't contractions, then something was seriously wrong. As the afternoon hours passed, I turned into a bit of a monster. I remember yelling at the nurses that I couldn't stand the pain and that I needed something. They weren't able to get a hold of the doctor and so they couldn't give me anything but Tylenol. I sent Jimmy to the nurse's station several times to tell that my pain was 10+++++.... The head nurse finally came in and saw my agony and said she was going to walk around and get the first doctor she saw. Thankfully she found a doctor who was able to prescribe me some stronger pain meds that would ease the pain until doctor L. came. She was super nice and commented that she was reading the same book that I had on my table. In turn, I snapped at her. I like to think that I was an easy patient to get a long with, so I'm hoping the nurses and that doctor forgive me for the way I treated them that day. The medicine did ease the pain a bit. Although it was incredibly obvious to everyone that I was contracting, I was still holding on to hope. The pain then moved into my back and although it wasn't as painful as earlier, I was getting tired. I just wanted to see the doctor but he wasn't able to come until around 5:00. He tried to lighten the mood a little but he could see my distress. And when he checked me, he confirmed our biggest fear. Not only did I have an infection but Lucy had started pushing her way through. He looked at us and said, "This means that Lucy has to be born today and I need you to understand that she will not make it." He talked to us a little while longer and then said he'd give us some time alone while he prepared for her delivery. Jimmy and I held each other and wept for our sweet Lucy. We spent some time crying and talking and then let our moms back in. Then began the dreaded phone calls, texts, etc.
By the time they had me prepped for delivery, my brother and sister-in-law, 2 pastors, my friend Patty, and my dad all came. Meanwhile my sister Angela and her husband were driving like the wind to make it in time. My sister Amy was making arrangements for her 5 kiddos and packing like mad to begin the 14 hour journey the next day and Jimmy's sister Katie was getting her plane ticket to fly in. I knew those who weren't able to make it were praying. I could feel it. It is a strange and neat feeling to be held up in prayer like that. Jimmy and I decided that considering the circumstances, we didn't want anyone in the room while I delivered Lucy, so our family waited together.
I was scared and nervous, which made my heart rate way too high. They kept telling me that I needed to relax, but it was so hard. Not only was my heart breaking for my baby girl, but I was not prepared to have a baby. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't think I could do it. The staff that prepped me were fantastic! They made me feel so comfortable and worked like pros. They assured me that everything would go smoothly and that it wouldn't take longer than a few hours total. Because Lucy was so small and already coming on her own, they didn't think I needed Pitocin, but then my OB gave it to me anyway. I was thankful for that. This would speed the process up even more. It took a while to get everything ready. I remember watching them work, just like they would be if I was having a normal delivery. It broke my heart to see the little table where they would lay Lucy, knowing that it may be a lifeless body. Her heart rate had gone up to almost 200 and I knew there wasn't much time. I prayed that she would be alive when she was born. Not too long after my epideral was given, my OB checked me and said that she thought I was ready. This was only the second time I had met Dr. Stalling. She was so calm and compassionate. I could see her hurting for me. Then in the corner I saw Dr. Leonardi sitting on a step stool, tears in his eyes. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. He tried so hard to save Lucy, but God had a different plan. At this point I wasn't really scared anymore. I knew what I had to do and I knew the sooner I delivered, the better the chance Lucy would still be alive. I actually got a little excited because my only option was to have Lucy then and I was ready to meet her. I only had to push for a half hour or so before she was out. Up until that point I was calm and focused on doing what I was told as far as positioning and pushing went. But then when Lucy finally came out, I burst into tears. Jimmy cut the cord as all fathers do and I listened for a cry, a whimper, anything, but all I heard was silence. The doctor asked me if I wanted to hold her right away but I was so upset that I couldn't even think straight. I told them that I didn't want to remember her looking sickly and asked them to please clean her up while I collected myself. They were so kind and did as I had asked. They wrapped her up in a yellow and white blanket and put a purple had on her head. While I was in labor a nurse had sewn a yellow flower on the hat just for Lucy. I remember thinking the hat looked so small but then when we put in on Lucy, it nearly covered her whole head! Jimmy let me hold her first and my first thought was, "How Beautiful!" She was so precious. Her little face was so well defined and her tiny fingers and toes were so stinkin' cute! We could see her heart beating, which was a huge blessing to us and she wrapped her little hand around our finger. When Jimmy touched her she moved a little. I knew that she was too small for the doctors to save her, but at the same time I couldn't help but think that God is bigger than that. I prayed for God to save our Lucy. The doctor kept checking her heart, waiting for the time of death, but it kept beating. I held on to every single beat, not wanting any one to be the last. I watched Jimmy as he held our little girl. What a sweet picture that I will always carry in my mind. He loved her and it was so evident. He talked to her and kissed her tiny face. I felt so out of control of the situation. I hated that there was nothing that I or anyone else could do for her. All I could do was keep her warm in that blanket until she passed.
A nurse came in to take pictures of Lucy. She brought all kinds of cute clothes and props. I was pleasantly surprised. She treated Lucy like any other full term baby and was so gentle with her. Our family and friends that were there came in to meet Lucy. We spent about 2 hours talking to her and holding her. There was such a sadness in the room, a heaviness that I can't quite explain. But again I felt a peace that passes understanding too. I knew that I wasn't going to leave there with my baby, but that she would be safe in the arms of our Heavenly Father. This was a huge comfort to me.
After we said our good byes, I almost felt guilty for how I felt. They immediately put me on antibiotics for the infection and of course the stomach and back pain was gone. For the first time in a week I was hungry and ordered something to eat. Some of our family was still there for a bit and then left shortly after we got back to the room. I was exhausted from the events of the day and Jimmy and I went to bed soon after we ate. The nurses were in and out of the room every hour but I hardly noticed. I slept so soundly that night and it felt so good. There were several people up all night praying for rest for me and God answered those prayers with a huge YES! I was so thankful for peace that night, for rest and no bad dreams. I knew it was going to be a long road ahead and I needed rest!
The next day was spent making arrangements for Lucy's service. I was so glad to be able to shower and walk around a bit. Several people came to visit and some friends brought us lunch. I was a little sore but I wasn't in any pain, praise the Lord! It was like He just decided that I had been through enough. I was sore from being in back labor for so many hours the day before but it wasn't anything a little ibuprofen couldn't handle. They kept me all day Saturday to make sure that my infection went away and released me Sunday afternoon.
I was in the hospital for 10 days total and a lot of it is like a blur to me now. Some things I remember like they were yesterday and others I just don't remember. I try not to recap my time there very often but sometimes a memory sneaks up and stings me. This is by far the hardest part of the healing process. Just when I think I'm doing well, something triggers a memory and my heart sinks. Sometimes it happens when I'm alone and other times I'm in a crowded room where bursting into tears would be a little strange to those around me. These are the times that I'm especially thankful that God gave me Jimmy because he has been more patient with me than I could've ever imagined.
One of the things I'm most thankful for is that I went to the doctor when I did. If I hadn't gone in that day, I probably would've delivered within a day or so and I may not have made it to the hospital. Getting to the hospital gave me one more week with Lucy that I will forever be grateful for. I got to see her almost every day and she was lively and healthy. I got to hear her heartbeat every morning and evening. God knew I needed that.
We were and still are amazed at how God used various people to pull us through. At the hospital my board was filled with cards and my shelf with flowers. So many people visited, brought us gifts, called, messaged and texted. The support shown to us was absolutely amazing!!! To this day I continue to be amazed at how good God has been to us. Despite the statistics, Jimmy and I are probably closer than we've ever been. Our family and friends have shown us the love of Christ almost daily. We still get various messages here and there telling us that we are being prayed for. We are doing okay, but I assure you that we still need those prayers and bits of encouragement. The healing process is strange and hard and confusing and hurtful and timely and toys with my emotions daily. I think about Lucy EVERY SINGLE DAY and I don't think that will ever change. I am hopeful though that the more happy memories will outweigh the sad as time moves on.
One More Week With Lucy
Something just wasn't quite right. I told my friend Jacque as I was leaving church Wednesday that I was going to call the doctor the next day. I was bleeding a little and although this had occurred more than once during the 20 weeks I was pregnant, this felt different. On my way home I called my sister to tell her as well, hoping for some comfort, which is exactly what she gave me. She said she'd experienced that before and that hopefully all was well. By the time I got home though, my worries had gotten the best of me. I was up most of the night worried that something was wrong, crying, shaky. I finally was able to fall asleep and actually got a good night's rest. I felt better and decided I would call the doctor after work if I still didn't feel right. It was the day before Valentine's Day and Jimmy and I were supposed to go out for a nice dinner since Friday wasn't going to work for us. I was unusually exhausted after work though and so we decided to hold off on dinner. That should have been a major clue to me, since most of you know I don't usually pass up a nice meal. I called the doctor and they said that it didn't sound like an emergency but that they'd like to see me the next day anyway.
Jimmy and I both took the morning off of work. We drove separately, thinking we would be going back in the afternoon. I actually felt good. Jimmy compliments my tendency to overreact and worry with his calm and reassuring nature. We actually joked in the waiting room about how we really just came today to find out the gender of our baby. That appointment wasn't supposed to be for another 2 weeks and we were dying to find out what we were having! We got called back and immediately went in for a sonogram. We hadn't seen the baby for almost 9 weeks so we were shocked to see the growth! We asked the tech if she would be able to tell us the gender and she said it was without a doubt a girl. I remember apologizing to Jimmy because I was hoping for his sake that it would be a boy. He was thrilled though and assured me that a girl was okay. :) We knew her name already and began to call her by name immediately. Lucy was so strong and healthy. It was very apparent on the screen that she was fine. Her development was right on track and she had a good strong heart beat. The tech told us that she didn't see any reason for bleeding and she let us go.
As we waited for the nurse to come in, we were almost giddy. The tech had printed pictures for us and we looked them over and over and talked about Lucy. I was so relieved to know that she was okay and felt silly for worrying like I had. This joy however was soon to be bombarded with a fear unlike I had ever known.
A midwife came in about 10 minutes later. Her name was Lynette Davis and although I'd never met her before, I liked her instantly. She was very kind and knowledgeable. She checked me and said that my cervix did feel softer than normal but she didn't seem overly concerned. We showed her our pictures and then she pulled up the tech notes on her computer. She questioned why I didn't get an internal sono. Although everything looked fine, she said she just didn't feel right about us leaving without me having an internal sono. So, back to the sono room we went. I wasn't worried now because I knew everything was fine before and this would just give us another chance to see Lucy. :) Little did we know though that this would be the start of the most difficult time in our lives.
The tech put Lucy back up on the screen, but we could barely see her this time. This was not a check to see Lucy, it was to look at what was causing the problem. I could see the worry on the tech's face. I saw her take the mouse and create a line that was a few inches long and save it. I asked her if everything looked fine, already knowing the answer. She replied, "No it is not fine." I panicked instantly, I didn't know what what was going on but I knew it wasn't good. Jimmy squeezed my hand and reassured me that we would be okay and that I just needed to stay calm. The tech said that she couldn't tell me anymore and that she needed to get the doctor immediately. I remember hearing a lot of doctor jargon. Words and phrases that I now know the meaning of all too well were swarming around the room. Hourglass membranes, cerclage, trendelenburg, length of cervix, etc. I'd never had a baby before, but I knew enough to know that being 3cm dilated at 19 weeks, 3 days was not good. The staff was so kind to us, but I could tell that this was an emergency. They told me that Jimmy was to take me directly to OSF. I immediately began to worry: my insurance didn't cover OSF, I was supposed to go back to school, I was scheduled to work a basketball game that night........I didn't have time for this.
It was snowing hard outside by now. Jimmy went out to clear off the car and I called the school to let them know that I wasn't coming back, possibly for quite a while. I could hardly spit the words out to the secretary. Angela had texted, fearing that something was wrong because I hadn't called yet. She was right but I wasn't in the right mind to call her back. I wanted to talk to my mom. My mom, like my husband, seems to always be able to keep calm in stressful situations. I wanted her to tell me that Lucy would be fine, that I would be fine and that everything would be okay. I was trying to stay calm, but I was dying inside and I needed to hear those words from her. I told her what was going on and asked her to please call everyone and let them know. Then Jimmy called his mom to tell her and let his side of the family know. We were hoping that his parents would come despite the bad weather and they did. They left that day.
When we got to the hospital they put me in a wheelchair immediately and took me to the antepartum floor. My sister-in-law, Candi had recently started working as a nurse on that floor. I was reassured to know she would be there, but scared because I knew what being on that floor meant. They made me put a gown on and then said that I was not allowed to get up, even to use the restroom. Hello bedpan! Ugh. They also said that I wasn't allowed to eat, which was a major bummer because I hadn't eaten since 6:30 and my heartburn was getting worse by the second. But because I was most likely going into surgery, ice chips were the only thing on the menu. To make matters worse, they had me in trendelenburg position, which is where they make you lie on your back and then tilt the bed down where your head is. It's basically a method used to torture pregnant women prone to heartburn. :)
It took a while to be admitted but not too long after a resident doctor came in to check me. She verified that I was about 2-3 centimeters dilated. She didn't have very good bedside manner and it hurt when she checked me. I wasn't impressed. I took what she said with a grain of salt and waited for the specialist. Finally around 2:00 he came! Dr. Michael Leonardi! He would be our best friend for the next week. When he came in the door, I shouted across the room, "Are you a doctor?" He laughed and so did the nurses. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was just SOOO happy to finally see a doctor! He was so incredibly kind. Before he checked me, he talked to Jimmy and I for a few minutes to get the story directly from us, not just from what he'd read on the chart. I liked him instantly for this. He really cared about what we said. When he checked me he verified that I was dilated, but it was closer to a 4. :/ I could see the concern on his face. For the next hour or so Jimmy, Dr. Leonardi and I sat and talked about our options, one which was out of the question. Abortion. I hate this word and apparently so did the doctor. He very hesitantly brought it up and didn't even say the actual word. Jimmy interrupted him and said that would not even be a consideration. So basically he told us that we could do 1 of 3 things. 1. I could go home and be on bed rest until I delivered, which would most likely be soon. (A very low percentage of women make it much further once they're dilated as much as I was.) 2. I could stay in the hospital on bed rest until I delivered, which again would most likely be soon. 3. He could put a rescue cerclage in, which means he would go in and put the amniotic sac back where it's supposed to be and stitch up my cervix.
It seemed like a no brainer to us and so we asked what the risks were to having the cerclage. He basically told us that rescue cerclages don't always work. He said that he doesn't do them when someone's dilated past 5 cm, which meant that it would be close. There was of course risk of infection and my water breaking since it had already started to come through and it's not meant to be tampered with. We were pretty sure that was the choice we would make and our decision was finalized when he said if it were his wife that is what he would do. He scheduled the surgery for the next afternoon. Before he left I asked him if I could please eat something. He looked dumbfounded and couldn't believe they didn't let me eat. He ordered the nurse in the nicest way possible to "get this woman something to eat!" :) This began our week long saga of talking about foods and restaurants we like- this is another reason we liked Dr. L. so much. :)
After we met with the doctor, they took me to my permanent room. The plan was to be there until I delivered. It sounds crazy, but we were hoping to be there for 16 weeks. This would be considered full term for someone with a cerclage. We already had family and friends planning trips to come stay with me since I was going to be there so long. Jimmy's parents were on their way and we were being bombarded with texts and calls. By this time I had eaten a little and actually felt pretty good. Jimmy prayed with me and put a bible verse up on the board for me to look at whenever I got scared. I didn't sleep well that night and neither did Jimmy. I wasn't allowed to sit up at all and so it was hard to switch sides on my own and prop myself up with the pillows. I woke Jimmy up about a million times and not once did he complain. That next morning I went in for the cerclage about 12. They gave me a spinal block so I was awake and aware of what was going on the whole time. Normally that would not be good for me, especially because they wouldn't let Jimmy in with me. However, the anesthesiologist and other staff were great. They even told jokes the whole time. I could tell they'd done this a million times. They worked like pros and even Dr. L. was telling a joke as he was working. Weird, but distracting and being distracted is what I needed. I knew that there was a chance that he wouldn't be able to perform the cerclage and I was praying that would not be the case. When the doctor finished, he was sweating so I could tell it wasn't easy. But Praise the Lord he was able to do it! They took me to a recovery room, let Jimmy in and then Dr. L. came back to check on Lucy. His exact words were, "She looks awesome!" Music to a mother and father's ears!!! She did look awesome. I'd never had a sono. done by a specialist before and I soon found out why he gets paid the big bucks. He showed us great profiles of Lucy, took individual pictures of her feet and hands and he even showed us her brain! It looked like she was waving at us. When I came out of recovery, my sister was there and that made me cry. I didn't expect her to come since she lives a few hours away and I knew she'd have to go back that night. Aside from other family members, some people from my impact group had come and one of our pastors. Unbelievable.
The next 72 hours were crucial. The main concern is that my water wouldn't break, but unfortunately that happened Tuesday night. I was devastated when the doctor confirmed that it was in fact amniotic fluid. I thought it was over. My hope of Lucy surviving was shattered. A baby born under 24 weeks is not considered viable. I needed to make it to then at least. Even still, Lucy's chances of survival were slim. Dr. Leonardi looked at me and said, "I'm not giving up on Lucy, are you?" With a confused look on my face, I said, "No!" Then the hope came back. I didn't realize that you can still carry a baby with no water. It is much more risky, but possible. On the bright side, this meant that there wasn't as much pressure on Lucy now and I could sit up a little. After 5 days of being in trendelenberg, sitting up was like a gift!
Since Jimmy and I had both been up all night Tuesday, we asked for no visitors. We needed to rest and just spend some time alone and with our family. I spent a lot of time reading, praying and reading scripture that various people had given me. My in-laws, mom, Jimmy and I sat together and read from a devotional his mom had brought. We prayed, read verses and just talked for quite a while. I had never been so scared in my life and was amazed at the peace God had given me during that moment. That was one of the first times that I realized that God's plan was unfolding and no matter what that meant, I needed to choose to trust. My other choice was fear and there wasn't room for that.
That night I started having a little cramping but it was hardly noticeable. I was hoping it was just an upset stomach. By Thursday afternoon it was starting to increase and by that night I knew that something was wrong. Jimmy's mom had stayed with me that night, which I was glad for. Both of our moms had agreed to stay a night so Jimmy could get some rest. He was right in the middle of getting licensed for a new position at work and he had a huge test Thursday that he had hardly studied for. I remember trying not to make too big of a deal about the pain I was having because I didn't want Jimmy to worry during his test. When he called me to tell me he passed, we were all so thrilled! I tried to downplay the pain I was having, praying that it would just go away. It didn't. Thursday night it kept increasing through the night and by the time I woke up Friday morning I asked for some pain medication. This began the longest day of my life.
Jimmy had gone to work Friday morning because he hadn't gone the whole week. I told the nurses of my concern about the pain and they gave me some Tylenol. That didn't begin to touch the pain though. I was trying to stay calm, but the worse the cramping got, the more nervous I got. Jimmy came to the hospital on his lunch break and by then I was really hurting. Naturally the nurses thought I was contracting, but they weren't showing up on the monitor so they dismissed it. My pain was at a 10 though so I knew if they weren't contractions, then something was seriously wrong. As the afternoon hours passed, I turned into a bit of a monster. I remember yelling at the nurses that I couldn't stand the pain and that I needed something. They weren't able to get a hold of the doctor and so they couldn't give me anything but Tylenol. I sent Jimmy to the nurse's station several times to tell that my pain was 10+++++.... The head nurse finally came in and saw my agony and said she was going to walk around and get the first doctor she saw. Thankfully she found a doctor who was able to prescribe me some stronger pain meds that would ease the pain until doctor L. came. She was super nice and commented that she was reading the same book that I had on my table. In turn, I snapped at her. I like to think that I was an easy patient to get a long with, so I'm hoping the nurses and that doctor forgive me for the way I treated them that day. The medicine did ease the pain a bit. Although it was incredibly obvious to everyone that I was contracting, I was still holding on to hope. The pain then moved into my back and although it wasn't as painful as earlier, I was getting tired. I just wanted to see the doctor but he wasn't able to come until around 5:00. He tried to lighten the mood a little but he could see my distress. And when he checked me, he confirmed our biggest fear. Not only did I have an infection but Lucy had started pushing her way through. He looked at us and said, "This means that Lucy has to be born today and I need you to understand that she will not make it." He talked to us a little while longer and then said he'd give us some time alone while he prepared for her delivery. Jimmy and I held each other and wept for our sweet Lucy. We spent some time crying and talking and then let our moms back in. Then began the dreaded phone calls, texts, etc.
By the time they had me prepped for delivery, my brother and sister-in-law, 2 pastors, my friend Patty, and my dad all came. Meanwhile my sister Angela and her husband were driving like the wind to make it in time. My sister Amy was making arrangements for her 5 kiddos and packing like mad to begin the 14 hour journey the next day and Jimmy's sister Katie was getting her plane ticket to fly in. I knew those who weren't able to make it were praying. I could feel it. It is a strange and neat feeling to be held up in prayer like that. Jimmy and I decided that considering the circumstances, we didn't want anyone in the room while I delivered Lucy, so our family waited together.
I was scared and nervous, which made my heart rate way too high. They kept telling me that I needed to relax, but it was so hard. Not only was my heart breaking for my baby girl, but I was not prepared to have a baby. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't think I could do it. The staff that prepped me were fantastic! They made me feel so comfortable and worked like pros. They assured me that everything would go smoothly and that it wouldn't take longer than a few hours total. Because Lucy was so small and already coming on her own, they didn't think I needed Pitocin, but then my OB gave it to me anyway. I was thankful for that. This would speed the process up even more. It took a while to get everything ready. I remember watching them work, just like they would be if I was having a normal delivery. It broke my heart to see the little table where they would lay Lucy, knowing that it may be a lifeless body. Her heart rate had gone up to almost 200 and I knew there wasn't much time. I prayed that she would be alive when she was born. Not too long after my epideral was given, my OB checked me and said that she thought I was ready. This was only the second time I had met Dr. Stalling. She was so calm and compassionate. I could see her hurting for me. Then in the corner I saw Dr. Leonardi sitting on a step stool, tears in his eyes. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. He tried so hard to save Lucy, but God had a different plan. At this point I wasn't really scared anymore. I knew what I had to do and I knew the sooner I delivered, the better the chance Lucy would still be alive. I actually got a little excited because my only option was to have Lucy then and I was ready to meet her. I only had to push for a half hour or so before she was out. Up until that point I was calm and focused on doing what I was told as far as positioning and pushing went. But then when Lucy finally came out, I burst into tears. Jimmy cut the cord as all fathers do and I listened for a cry, a whimper, anything, but all I heard was silence. The doctor asked me if I wanted to hold her right away but I was so upset that I couldn't even think straight. I told them that I didn't want to remember her looking sickly and asked them to please clean her up while I collected myself. They were so kind and did as I had asked. They wrapped her up in a yellow and white blanket and put a purple had on her head. While I was in labor a nurse had sewn a yellow flower on the hat just for Lucy. I remember thinking the hat looked so small but then when we put in on Lucy, it nearly covered her whole head! Jimmy let me hold her first and my first thought was, "How Beautiful!" She was so precious. Her little face was so well defined and her tiny fingers and toes were so stinkin' cute! We could see her heart beating, which was a huge blessing to us and she wrapped her little hand around our finger. When Jimmy touched her she moved a little. I knew that she was too small for the doctors to save her, but at the same time I couldn't help but think that God is bigger than that. I prayed for God to save our Lucy. The doctor kept checking her heart, waiting for the time of death, but it kept beating. I held on to every single beat, not wanting any one to be the last. I watched Jimmy as he held our little girl. What a sweet picture that I will always carry in my mind. He loved her and it was so evident. He talked to her and kissed her tiny face. I felt so out of control of the situation. I hated that there was nothing that I or anyone else could do for her. All I could do was keep her warm in that blanket until she passed.
A nurse came in to take pictures of Lucy. She brought all kinds of cute clothes and props. I was pleasantly surprised. She treated Lucy like any other full term baby and was so gentle with her. Our family and friends that were there came in to meet Lucy. We spent about 2 hours talking to her and holding her. There was such a sadness in the room, a heaviness that I can't quite explain. But again I felt a peace that passes understanding too. I knew that I wasn't going to leave there with my baby, but that she would be safe in the arms of our Heavenly Father. This was a huge comfort to me.
After we said our good byes, I almost felt guilty for how I felt. They immediately put me on antibiotics for the infection and of course the stomach and back pain was gone. For the first time in a week I was hungry and ordered something to eat. Some of our family was still there for a bit and then left shortly after we got back to the room. I was exhausted from the events of the day and Jimmy and I went to bed soon after we ate. The nurses were in and out of the room every hour but I hardly noticed. I slept so soundly that night and it felt so good. There were several people up all night praying for rest for me and God answered those prayers with a huge YES! I was so thankful for peace that night, for rest and no bad dreams. I knew it was going to be a long road ahead and I needed rest!
The next day was spent making arrangements for Lucy's service. I was so glad to be able to shower and walk around a bit. Several people came to visit and some friends brought us lunch. I was a little sore but I wasn't in any pain, praise the Lord! It was like He just decided that I had been through enough. I was sore from being in back labor for so many hours the day before but it wasn't anything a little ibuprofen couldn't handle. They kept me all day Saturday to make sure that my infection went away and released me Sunday afternoon.
I was in the hospital for 10 days total and a lot of it is like a blur to me now. Some things I remember like they were yesterday and others I just don't remember. I try not to recap my time there very often but sometimes a memory sneaks up and stings me. This is by far the hardest part of the healing process. Just when I think I'm doing well, something triggers a memory and my heart sinks. Sometimes it happens when I'm alone and other times I'm in a crowded room where bursting into tears would be a little strange to those around me. These are the times that I'm especially thankful that God gave me Jimmy because he has been more patient with me than I could've ever imagined.
One of the things I'm most thankful for is that I went to the doctor when I did. If I hadn't gone in that day, I probably would've delivered within a day or so and I may not have made it to the hospital. Getting to the hospital gave me one more week with Lucy that I will forever be grateful for. I got to see her almost every day and she was lively and healthy. I got to hear her heartbeat every morning and evening. God knew I needed that.
We were and still are amazed at how God used various people to pull us through. At the hospital my board was filled with cards and my shelf with flowers. So many people visited, brought us gifts, called, messaged and texted. The support shown to us was absolutely amazing!!! To this day I continue to be amazed at how good God has been to us. Despite the statistics, Jimmy and I are probably closer than we've ever been. Our family and friends have shown us the love of Christ almost daily. We still get various messages here and there telling us that we are being prayed for. We are doing okay, but I assure you that we still need those prayers and bits of encouragement. The healing process is strange and hard and confusing and hurtful and timely and toys with my emotions daily. I think about Lucy EVERY SINGLE DAY and I don't think that will ever change. I am hopeful though that the more happy memories will outweigh the sad as time moves on.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
The sun'll come out tomorrow....
Tomorrow. It is only a day away now. I don't usually plan for bad days. I don't think anyone really does. However, I've been "planning" on tomorrow being the worst day of my life for several weeks now. I know that sounds bad. I know it's very negative to say. I know all those things, but there's not much positive that comes to mind when I think about burying my daughter....my sweet Lucy. OSF offers a burial service for all babies born before 23 weeks, which we are very thankful for. I just wish it would've been sooner. I've always thought that watching the burial was the worst part of people dying and judging by the tears streaming down my face right now and the knot in my stomach, I know that is still true for me. And to top things off, it is supposed to be a super gloomy, rainy day tomorrow. As I was laying awake in bed tonight, I prayed for sunshine tomorrow even though I know the chances of that are slim. According to the weather there's only a 10% chance that it will not rain. But I know that God still heard my prayer and maybe he will answer it with a ray of sunlight during the service, or maybe even a rainbow. That would definitely be a bright spot in my day.
Even though Lucy has been gone now for over 2 months, people are still asking what they can do for us. I almost always respond to them by asking for prayer. Although the good moments seem to outweigh the hard moments as time goes by, there is still such a huge heaviness in my heart. It's a feeling unlike any other and one that maybe only someone who's experienced loss can understand. I understand it all too well. Fortunately, I've gained another unexplainable understanding through all of this. While the feeling of brokenness is sometimes overwhelming, I also have an overwhelming peace. The peace that only comes from my God. Several songs have encouraged me the past few days. One of them was from Jeremy Camp's song, I Still Believe, where he says, "In brokenness I can see that this is your will for me..." I've had nowhere else to look but up for the last few months and it's amazing how clearly you can see through the hurt. It doesn't mean that I don't hurt, it means that there's hope in the hurt, "sun" if you will. So, here's where you come in friends: please be our bright spot in the hurt tomorrow. Lift Jimmy and I and our family up in prayer whenever you think of us. Share encouraging verses with us, funny memories that always bring smiles to our faces, talk to us about our beautiful daughter, send us a text about something unrelated, pm us on facebook, post a picture to our wall, etc. That's what you can do for us for now. Bet your bottom dollar there will be sun! :)
Even though Lucy has been gone now for over 2 months, people are still asking what they can do for us. I almost always respond to them by asking for prayer. Although the good moments seem to outweigh the hard moments as time goes by, there is still such a huge heaviness in my heart. It's a feeling unlike any other and one that maybe only someone who's experienced loss can understand. I understand it all too well. Fortunately, I've gained another unexplainable understanding through all of this. While the feeling of brokenness is sometimes overwhelming, I also have an overwhelming peace. The peace that only comes from my God. Several songs have encouraged me the past few days. One of them was from Jeremy Camp's song, I Still Believe, where he says, "In brokenness I can see that this is your will for me..." I've had nowhere else to look but up for the last few months and it's amazing how clearly you can see through the hurt. It doesn't mean that I don't hurt, it means that there's hope in the hurt, "sun" if you will. So, here's where you come in friends: please be our bright spot in the hurt tomorrow. Lift Jimmy and I and our family up in prayer whenever you think of us. Share encouraging verses with us, funny memories that always bring smiles to our faces, talk to us about our beautiful daughter, send us a text about something unrelated, pm us on facebook, post a picture to our wall, etc. That's what you can do for us for now. Bet your bottom dollar there will be sun! :)
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
A first time for everything...
There are several phases of grieving. I've felt most of them and have probably even made up some of my own. It's such a strange bunch of emotions that I seem to have very little control over. Control. Now there is something I like to have and never have I felt so out of it. Apparently one of the things you have difficulty with when you grieve the loss of your baby is being around pregnant women or babies. This is "normal" they say. But I can certainly tell you that it's not normal for me to not want to be around babies! Nor is it even practical. They're everywhere in my life from friends at work and church to my large family. I have 17 nieces and nephews whom I adore and 3 of them are 1 and under. Never in the past 17 years had I not wanted to be around them. I wish I could say that's still true, but there's a first time for everything. :/
Mornings are difficult for me. They are when I remember that Lucy is no longer here. It's a hard pill to swallow, especially after bad dreams. One morning a few weeks ago was particularly difficult. Jimmy ended up going into work late to stay with me longer. He knew I'd be by myself that day and was trying to arrange for me to meet my sister for lunch. I hesitated, not because I didn't want to see my sister, but because I knew Eden would be with her. Eden is my very sweet 1 y.o. niece who I love very much! The last time we had met in Champaign for lunch was to register at Toys R Us for Lucy. The next time I met my sister was supposed to be different. I was supposed to have a baby too and naturally she would've been Eden's best friend. Eden would've hugged and kissed Lucy and poked her in the eyes. I didn't want to see Eden that day because I knew it would remind me of what I'll never have with Lucy. Of all the feelings that I've ever felt in my life, this was by far the worst. Later that night we met with our Impact Group. One of my friends just recently had a baby and everyone was ooooing and ahhhing over him as anyone would do if they saw him. He's adorable! All I could think about though was how that was supposed to be my baby in a few short months. My friends would've ooohed and ahhhhed over Lucy. They would've held her and commented on what a pretty purple flower she had in her hair. The reality that sinks in though is not just that they won't hold her, but that I never will again either. This is what really stings. It wasn't supposed to happen to us. Books on grieving weren't supposed to be on my shelf. I wasn't supposed to be one of the people our Pastor preached about 'going through a tough time.' Looking at others with their babies wasn't supposed to hurt so badly. Before losing Lucy I had pictured myself rocking her to sleep, holding her hand as she learned to walk, putting piggy tails and extremely large bows in her hair. I wanted to take her into the bank to see Jimmy and dress her up for church on Sundays. Selfishly I want her here with me, with her Mommy and Daddy, where I feel like she belongs, even though I know she's safe in the arms of Jesus- no better place to be! So, that is where I go with my mind when those feelings overtake me. I don't know what Lucy's doing up in heaven right now but I like to think about it. My niece, Addison, and nephew, Grant, like to pray for her to have fun playing in heaven. They're probably right. She probably is playing. I like to picture her on a swing set. I can see her swinging as high as she can and then jumping off just for the thrill of it because she knows she will be safe. I like to think that she has met her other cousins who were already there and that she's playing with them too.
Of all of the phases of grieving, I'm very thankful that this one doesn't tend to stick around. I did meet my sister that day and had a fun time. I gave Eden a cookie before she finished her lunch and bought her a couple things that she wanted at the store when she cried because that's what Aunties do. I thanked God for her and for all of my other nieces and nephews that day because being an aunt is where I am right now. And as badly as I want to mother my own child, I don't ever want to regret time spent with the kiddos I have in my life right now. They bring me such great joy and I couldn't be more thankful that my brothers and sisters have allowed me to play such an active role in their lives.
Mornings are difficult for me. They are when I remember that Lucy is no longer here. It's a hard pill to swallow, especially after bad dreams. One morning a few weeks ago was particularly difficult. Jimmy ended up going into work late to stay with me longer. He knew I'd be by myself that day and was trying to arrange for me to meet my sister for lunch. I hesitated, not because I didn't want to see my sister, but because I knew Eden would be with her. Eden is my very sweet 1 y.o. niece who I love very much! The last time we had met in Champaign for lunch was to register at Toys R Us for Lucy. The next time I met my sister was supposed to be different. I was supposed to have a baby too and naturally she would've been Eden's best friend. Eden would've hugged and kissed Lucy and poked her in the eyes. I didn't want to see Eden that day because I knew it would remind me of what I'll never have with Lucy. Of all the feelings that I've ever felt in my life, this was by far the worst. Later that night we met with our Impact Group. One of my friends just recently had a baby and everyone was ooooing and ahhhing over him as anyone would do if they saw him. He's adorable! All I could think about though was how that was supposed to be my baby in a few short months. My friends would've ooohed and ahhhhed over Lucy. They would've held her and commented on what a pretty purple flower she had in her hair. The reality that sinks in though is not just that they won't hold her, but that I never will again either. This is what really stings. It wasn't supposed to happen to us. Books on grieving weren't supposed to be on my shelf. I wasn't supposed to be one of the people our Pastor preached about 'going through a tough time.' Looking at others with their babies wasn't supposed to hurt so badly. Before losing Lucy I had pictured myself rocking her to sleep, holding her hand as she learned to walk, putting piggy tails and extremely large bows in her hair. I wanted to take her into the bank to see Jimmy and dress her up for church on Sundays. Selfishly I want her here with me, with her Mommy and Daddy, where I feel like she belongs, even though I know she's safe in the arms of Jesus- no better place to be! So, that is where I go with my mind when those feelings overtake me. I don't know what Lucy's doing up in heaven right now but I like to think about it. My niece, Addison, and nephew, Grant, like to pray for her to have fun playing in heaven. They're probably right. She probably is playing. I like to picture her on a swing set. I can see her swinging as high as she can and then jumping off just for the thrill of it because she knows she will be safe. I like to think that she has met her other cousins who were already there and that she's playing with them too.
Of all of the phases of grieving, I'm very thankful that this one doesn't tend to stick around. I did meet my sister that day and had a fun time. I gave Eden a cookie before she finished her lunch and bought her a couple things that she wanted at the store when she cried because that's what Aunties do. I thanked God for her and for all of my other nieces and nephews that day because being an aunt is where I am right now. And as badly as I want to mother my own child, I don't ever want to regret time spent with the kiddos I have in my life right now. They bring me such great joy and I couldn't be more thankful that my brothers and sisters have allowed me to play such an active role in their lives.
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